The one about... being enough

Tamsin speaks to divorce and business coach Helen Slater about being enough.

Tamsin is a Chartered Financial Planer with over 20 years experience. She works with couples and individuals who are at the end of a relationship and want agree how to divide their assets FAIRLY without a fight.

You can contact Tamsin at tamsin@smartdivorce.co.uk or arrange a free initial meeting using https://calendly.com/tamsin-caine/15min. She is also part of the team running Facebook group Separation, Divorce and Dissolution UK (https://www.facebook.com/groups/469020344490906)

Helen is a qualified business, life and relationship coach and a marketing expert with 20 years to show for it! She supports small business owners to build profitable online businesses she also supports those who want to start again in their life or heal after a relationship breakup.

Helen works with clients who are afraid that it is too late for them - those who want to start again, those who are stuck, or lost, those who feel like they are drowning - those who are simply unsure who they are any more and how to begin again.

Using NLP Coaching training and her 20 years of marketing experience, Helen teaches clients how to get to the core of the issue, so they can create an abundant life, move on after a hurtful break-up or build a successful business.

IG @helenslatercoach
FB @helenslatercoach
LinkedIN Helen Slater Coaching
Website - www.helenslatercoaching.com

Support the show (http://www.smartdivorce.co.uk)

Transcript

(The transcript has been created by an AI, apologies for any mistakes)

Tamsin Caine 0:06
Hello, and welcome to the Smart Divorce podcast. I'm Tamsin Caine and I will be your host. In series three, we will be speaking to a number of experts and professionals in the divorce arena, and answering the questions that we get asked most often. If you've got a question and you don't think we've answered it yet, please do get in touch, you can email me at Tamsin at smart divorce.co.uk. Now over to our guests. Today, I'm talking to Helen Slater, who is a life business and divorce coach, feeling the failure at the end of relationship is really, really common. But we need to start thinking that we aren't good enough. Helen is going to share some tips and tools about how we can start doing that. She wants us to get curious not furious, which I absolutely love. She mentioned a few times that we are not our thoughts, our thoughts or our thoughts. That's really important thing that I've taken from my conversation with Helen. She also talks about a tool where you might even want to remember the gymnastic badge that you achieved when you were seven. I hope you enjoy this conversation. Hello, and I'm delighted to be joined today by Helen Slater. Hi, Helen. How you doing?

Helen Slater 1:37
Hi, I'm great. How are you? Excellent. Thank you.

Tamsin Caine 1:41 a
Yep, I'm doing good. So Helen is a divorce and business coach. And we're going to talk today about how to feel good enough. And this is something that comes up so much when people have gone through a big, big breakup, whether that be Separation, Divorce, dissolve in a civil partnership, or any, any type of breakup,I guess. And so let's start off where where should we start?

Helen Slater 2:14
Well, this is Yeah, it's kind of like this sort of implies is there any part of life? You know, I think that feeling of not being good enough is something that so many people do suffer from, at different times in their life, particularly going through big significant changes in life, such as a divorce, and just from my own experience of going through divorce myself. And I felt like a bit of a failure as a result of that. And you know, all those kind of fear based stories start coming up for ourselves, you know, you know, what did I do wrong? And will I ever meet anyone else again, and am I lovable, and am I gonna be alone forever, and am I a nice person, and, you know, all of that fear comes up for so many of us during this time. And then those feelings of not feeling adequate and comparing ourselves to other people and looking at other people's lives and feeling the guilt and the shame and the anxiety and all of those things, you know, that come up and they create, you know, a lot of fear based scary stories for ourselves and can leave us feeling a little bit bruised and burn as a result of that. So I think this is a great subject to talk about. Because there are some really simple things that we can do, that are very, very effective things that we can do to start changing the way that we are perceiving our current situation and what has happened, and how we can start sort of taking ourselves forward during, you know, this difficult time.

Tamsin Caine 3:38
Fantastic. I think this is that this is going to be really useful to so many people who are failing that, that failure situation not, it's not a failure situation, you know, it just stopped being right. But it's really important that we can, we can sort that out in our own heads. One of the groups that I'm a member of on Facebook, who talks to divorced and separate people, there was a lady in America and she was saying that she's she can't stop texting her axe, and you can't help but you need some help. Let's you need to try and work through some of these things. And some of that has got to be working on how to feel good enough. So it's great that you've got some easily implementable. I don't know if that's a word, hidden tips for us. So So where can we start?

Helen Slater 4:36
Well, I think this sort of recognising that, you know, particularly at the moment, what we're going through in lockdown, you know, tensions and things are definitely surfacing aren't there at the moment and you know, there's a certain element of accepting sort of where we are in the current situation and the mood that we're in and, you know, for some people, maybe who are still living with their ex and some people living separately and they're still sharing the care or have children, it can all be really exasperated. And we can end especially as we're all cooped up indoors, a lot of the nights have drawn in, you know, that feeling of isolation, as a collective mood as the news, we're missing that connection that family and friends, it can feel like things are just all feeling wrong and everything's wrong. And it can create a lot of upset and anxiety which can cause arguments, just don't feel a little bit of a mess. And as part of that, you know, will perhaps have an argument with our ex or something, and then we'll start beating ourselves up about that discussion going over it again, and again. And this can start to build up into self critical thoughts, especially if you've had a nasty argument with your ex, or they've sensitive to you. And it's your kind of like feeling that and you're beginning to feel like that is the truth, you know, maybe you're not attractive, or you're interesting, or your success manner, it might be set before maybe you're never going to meet anyone or it's your fault, you're going to be alone forever. And that cannot build up and create a huge amount of anxiety, anxiety. And so it's difficult when we're in the kind of by the storm to see the wood for the trees sometimes. But I think some of these tools, people might find really helpful to help us step out of that situation and to calm down, and to kind of look in on it, and look at our part within that as well. As well as building in some new ways and tools to help keep ourselves as I always say to my clients, we start getting curious, not furious. Not furious, because getting furious is only going to leave and of course, it's going to happen, we are going to get angry, and we're going to feel bad or her and cross and annoyed. But finding ways of understanding, you know, what do I need right now? And what is getting in the way of my needs being that Mac right now? I think so often, we feel like should be able to do it all. And if we can't do it all, then we're failing in some way. And I know it's difficult at the moment sort of asked for help, I think asking for help is a really big thing. So even if it's saying to x, you know, I need a bit of extra help. At the moment, maybe you just need an extra hour at the weekend. Or maybe they could have the children for an extra night, for example, asking for help and seeing that there's not a fail. But this is an absolute act of self care. Because by taking some time out, it gives you an opportunity to recalibrate, and begin to see things for what they are not what you think they are. So you might have heard of this day before, we are not our thoughts, we're not our thoughts or our thoughts or our thoughts. They're not who we are. And it's just sometimes when we're tired, we're caught up in all of this upset, and in our current situation. And we can start to sort of go down that spiral of despair and upset and we can make ourselves feel, you know, feel bad. And by taking that time out to reset and recalibrate. And whereas everything feels so much better, as you know, and I'm sure you agree, you know, after a good night's sleep or, you know, a little bit of downtime, whether it be reading a book or going for a walk just having that space.

Tamsin Caine 8:12
Yeah, it's not the thing about asking for help is that friends are often much more willing to help you out, then you automatically assume I'm rubbish at asking for help. You can ask any of my friends, they'd be like, no, she's dreadful. But I'm, I know that I'm I try and help out other people and let them know that I'm here if they if they need me to be. And, you know, we had the conversation couple of days ago, with a friend of mine, and we were like, we can you know, we're here to help one another and, and if any of us need something then and we were happy, but sometimes you don't know what your friends need, unless they actually ask. So as well as asking your ex, you know, call on your friends, because they're probably sat there going, I don't know what to do to help but I'd love to help.

Helen Slater 9:08
Yeah, and it could be you know, it could just be a zoom call with a glass of wine on a Friday night or somebody's dropping off a little care package, as I call it, you know, when you Friday friends, it's feeling a bit better, you know, a bunch of flowers or a cake or a coffee or bacon sandwich in the morning, if that's your thing, you know, whatever it may be, I think it is people don't know, you know, what you need unless you tell them and I think that again, that comes down to that whole sort of like, you know, feeling like should the should word coming out being like should be able to do to do everything can you should be okay on you know, on your own, but actually, we need people you know, we are human beings. We need to be around other people. We need support from other people. And yeah, just like you know, taking that step just to sort of say I need some help is so important and so valuable and other people have been asked for help makes them feel great as well, which in turn is gonna make you feel great. And it just becomes this lovely environment where one can just support each other. So asking for help is so important in our own self care journey, but particularly when you're going through such a significant change, such as a divorce, or separation or dissolution.

Tamsin Caine 10:22
Yeah, I think that's, that's a that's a really good one. Fantastic. Okay, what else can we do?

Helen Slater 10:30
Well, I think another thing, like, I think we spoke about this at the beginning of this conversation, and that is, we can be really bad at sort of getting into that negative headspace about, you know, this was awful. And, you know, we're not lovable, or, you know, we're going to be on our own forever. And, you know, it's not worked out because of me, or I'm a failure, or I get my clients to write a list of like, a positive, self affirming kind of list about themselves. So all of their strengths all of their wins over the years, you know, what are they good at? What do people ask them about? Where? What does? You know, what do they do that makes them feel great? What do they love to do, you know, write a list of all the things you're greater, you know, all the things people like, hey, about you all that, you know, it could be like, make a note, when someone says something really nice about you write that down on the list, keep that list going. And write list about all the things that make you feel great. All the things that you do that make you feel wonderful. So this really helps a with your self confidence. And even though it might feel really strange, right, the list about all the things you're brilliant at like winning, winning, I don't know, a badge when you did gymnastics when you were serving, or making an amazing roast in your family on a Sunday, or whatever it may be, write that list down. Because what starts happening and this is scientifically proven, is the more self affirming positive things, you start saying, you start to rewire your neural pathways in your brain. So you will find yourself thinking less of the negative stuff. And thinking more positively, you will start finding yourself noticing those negative things, you're saying to yourself and thinking, yeah, I'm going to stop that we're going to move into a more positive headspace, which is so helpful when you're going through something like this, you know, to start saying, Okay, well, that wasn't great, I'm really paid off that I've had that argument. And I behaved in that way. But they really annoyed me. But okay, but to step back from it and understand that I'm going through a really difficult time right now. So I'm not going to deal with it like I did that way, I'm going to learn from that. And next time, I'm going to do it this way. And that can't happen until you start to become aware of your kind of like your inner thought processes. So by starting by writing these lists of these self affirming positive lists, that process can generally start to take place. And also, there's something that I learned in a book by Glenn and Doyle. So if your listeners have read it, brilliant, read it again, if you haven't, go and get it. It's called untamed, absolutely amazing book, one of the things that I've pulled out of there that again, I use myself and I use my clients is an easy button and a reset button. So the easy button is when you're feeling rubbish or feeling down in the dumps, it's very easy to reach for alcohol, for the beige food for the sugar, staying up late for binge watching Netflix, but basically not taking care of yourself. Whether it's a really simple reset things that each of us will be able to do very simply that we know that make us feel great. So my list is drink a glass of water, pick up the phone to a friend, go for a walk in fresh air, eat some nourishing food, get an early night, have a hot shower, read a good book, listen to music, have a dance. So write those two lists down. Be very aware of the things that you do. The easy button things that you do that do not support you feeling great. And write yourself a little list of the things that really help just simple things that help you feel good. So when you're in that really difficult headspace, when you're really struggling, you don't know what to do to make yourself feel better. You've got that I have mine in a big sheet of paper from the wall in my office. And I look at that and I just think just go and get a glass of water and go and sit down and read a book for a bear or just go and have a little sleep for 10 minutes or go for any friends. So that's a really helpful tool as well.

Tamsin Caine 14:25
I like that. That's good advice. I have an you'll be pleased to hear got buying that book on my to do list for today. I'm on it. I think you mentioned it. It's so I've spent the morning listening talent today. So I think it was mentioned in your podcast with Wilmer and also in your when you did your office guided tour that you popped on Instagram earlier on stay I think you you showed your lists and that was like ah Sounds like a good book. So it's, it's already on the list. So I know it sounds there. It sounds fantastic. That's brilliant. Thank you so much for joining us today. And for those amazing tips. I have a feeling that we may need to do this topic again at some point to cover off the next week because I'm sure that there are some more ideas that you guys to help people out when they when they work their way through that one but thankfully, no worries and lovely to talk to you. I hope you enjoyed today's podcast. If you did, please do think about writing us a review or giving us a lovely five star rating on iTunes, if that's where you're listening. hope you'll join us again next time.

Transcribed by https://otter.ai