Real Divorce Stories - Paulette

Tamsin speaks to Paulette, who has come through divorce recently and wants to share her experiences. She talks about the importance of self care and of using the right professionals. She also speaks of her experiences of working with Tamsin and the benefits she found.

Paulette - Independent social worker and trainer, specialising in fostering and adoption. Part of an inter racial family, mother of three teenage children, married for 24 years, separated for 2 years and recently divorced. "Aside from my professional and family life, I’m a keen dancer and runner and the things I’m most looking forward to once the Covid restrictions are eased are going to see my mum/siblings who I’ve not seen for over 12 months, going to soul/jazz/reggae music festivals, the theatre, exhibitions, city breaks with my kids and a sunny getaway with my girlfriends."

Tamsin is a Chartered Financial Planer with over 20 years experience. She works with couples and individuals who are at the end of a relationship and want agree how to divide their assets FAIRLY without a fight.

You can contact Tamsin at tamsin@smartdivorce.co.uk or arrange a free initial meeting using https://calendly.com/tamsin-caine/15min. She is also part of the team running Facebook group Separation, Divorce and Dissolution UK (https://www.facebook.com/groups/469020344490906)

Transcript

(The transcript has been created by an AI, apologies for any mistakes)

Tamsin Caine 0:06
Hello and welcome to the Smart Divorce podcast. I'm Tamsin Caine and I will be your host. In series three, we will be speaking to a number of experts and professionals in the divorce arena and answering the questions that we get asked most often. If you've got a question and you don't think we've answered it yet, please do get in touch you can email me at Tamsin@smartdivorce.co.uk now over to our guests.

Hello, and welcome to the smart divorce Podcast. I am absolutely delighted to be joined today by Paula fobes. Paula is a very very recently divorced lovely lady and she wanted to come on and talk to us about her experiences of divorce in the hope that she can help the people going through similar situation. tell you a bit about Paulette, so she's an independent social worker and chain trainer specialising in fostering and adopting. She's part of an interracial family mother of three teenage children, which I can tell you from my own experiences no mean feat. She was married for 24 years and has been separated for two and as I mentioned recently divorced. She is a keen dancer and runner. I like to say that I am a keen runner, I'd love to be a keen dancer. But if you see me, perhaps not so much. very much looking forward to COVID restrictions being is to go and see her family going to soul jazz and reggae music festivals there to exhibitions and city breaks and sunny getaways with her girlfriends. And we're very lucky in Manchester today because we have some sunshine.

Paulette Forbes 1:55
We've been very lucky for a few days actually. We've had sunshine for the best part of a week up here.

Tamsin Caine 2:01
it's amazing, isn't it Paulette, thank you so much for coming on to talk to us.

Paulette Forbes 2:05
Welcome.

Tamsin Caine 2:06
I always feel very privileged when people who've recently been through divorce are happy to come in and talk about their experiences because it is quite recent in it's not necessarily something that you are ready to talk about in this early stage. So tell me what you wanted our viewers and listeners to get out of our conversation.

Paulette Forbes 2:35
Yeah, it has been very recent. And obviously just before we started recording, we were just talking a little bit more about that when we But yeah, I guess I wanted people to get a sense about how important it is to where possible to try and manage it amicably. And, as I was saying before, I totally understand people's unique situations. mean, that isn't always possible for that to be the case. And I guess I feel quite blessed and quite fortunate that we were able to keep things as amicable as possible, and it was managed amicably and to keep the kids central in all of the decision making that we made. Because I guess I was thinking that if we veered away from that, you know that it was only going to be losers, really. And I wanted us all to be winners out of this. So that was my, my that was our focus in terms of how we managed what was essentially an emotionally difficult journey for for all of us.

Tamsin Caine 3:52
Yeah, sure. Absolutely. And it is an emotional journey. However, however well you negotiate the, the process of divorce it, it. It's always emotional. You can't You can't get away from that. He talks about coming through the process. I'm a kid, you talk through a little bit about how you about the process that you went through from the point at which you decided that you're either you or your spouse decided that your marriage was over. From that point. How did the process work for you?

Paulette Forbes 4:29
Well, just going slightly back from that, actually, I think, for me, it kind of started with just kind of recognising I think we both recognise that things weren't right in the relationship, but we didn't really talk much about it and I ended up going to have some therapy. I thought I was okay. I turned up I remember speaking to my GP and you know turning up and thinking, right, you know, just go in, I just have, you know, very straightforward discussion with my GP and, you know, just ask for a referral, maybe for some counselling, anyway, turned up and ended up in floods of tears. And realised that realise that actually, I wasn't okay. And that I really did need some kind of support really, in terms of managing this, these feelings that I was having about the relationship and not really knowing how to how to move things forward. So yeah, so that was kind of the starting point. And one of the other things that we talked about earlier was just about the kind of self care thing. And that was all part of my, the process of looking after myself. So I had six months of six months of therapy, which kind of gave me the confidence to then kind of have a discussion with, with my husband, about things, or my ex husband. And we, you know, we both came to the agreement that actually things just didn't, you know, kind of essentially grown apart. And, you know, nothing more, nothing less. You know, we would just, you know, we were quite young when we got together, and we were just in different stages in different phases of our life and our lives and just needed to kind of recognise that and to be honest enough to make some changes, you know, if I'm completely honest, it could have been so much easier to have actually just stuck with things as they were, because it wasn't as if we were bickering and fighting and arguing constantly. And, you know, but we weren't happy, ultimately. And, and, you know, I know, clearly, people have various reasons why they continue to remain in unhappy relationships. And it's not for me to kind of Judge why people choose to remain in that those relationships, I could only make a decision, and we could only make decisions that felt right for us. So. So that's basically what we did. And I then approached a solicitor to get some advice. And he didn't wish to his background, in terms of his professional background meant that he was kind of pretty ofay with some of the legal stuff. And also, that was another way of saving money. Because anyone who's been through the process or is starting the process, will recognise that it can be extraordinarily costly, to get divorced, even in the way in which we managed it in an amicable way, in which we weren't involved in lots and lots of different professionals and specialists and what have you, and it still worked out, you know, it's not cheap, it's not cheap or fair is that. So, you know, he, he chose not to have legal representation, even though he was advised to throughout the whole of the process, but he made that decision that he didn't want to and didn't need to. So I was legally represented. And and, and I think in terms of our connection, Tamsin was I kind of got to a point because we have all we had properties, other properties, not just our family home, we had other beta that properties, and you know, pensions and stuff that needed to be sorted out. I was trying to do it all myself, you know, I was trying, obviously, I had my solicitor dealing with kind of legal matters, but with the financial side of things, I was trying to get my head around it all. And I just got to a point I remember just feeling really, really very overwhelmed by it all. And again, then kind of thinking, I need somebody to kind of help me with this. And that's what used I would say, and another teaful conversation.

Tamsin Caine 9:21
I've got tissues.

Paulette Forbes 9:26
Yeah. Yeah.

Tamsin Caine 9:28
Yeah. Sometimes you just you just need to reach out to somebody and get get a little bit of extra assistance with certain certain parts of the process. And I think that the thing you're absolutely right in the starting point was was to saw your emotional well being out. And I, I am pointing people who come to me if they're not having any sort of counselling or therapy, when I first see them, my First point is to point them in the right direction in the in seeing a therapist or a counsellor. Because I think I'll make big decisions if you're not emotionally ready to make those big decisions. And so yeah, I think that's a great starting point. And, you know, taking advice from the right people at the right time, again, has got to be, has got to be the right way of doing things. And remember, when we started working together, I think you're probably the client has provided the information the fastest and then exactly the format that needed it in. And that is that that's another bit of a money saving tip, you know, if if a professionals asking you for information, if you can provide it to them as thoroughly and speedily as possible, and it does help keep, keep costs down.

Paulette Forbes 11:04
And again, this is just another level check. In terms of legal advice, I think that, you know, because, again, that adds up, and, you know, each email costs system out of money or whatever, you know, I guess I, you know, I kind of got to the point, and I had a very, very good working relationship professional relationship with my solicitor, in which, you know, I would pretty much just get everything into one email. So I try and get just a one email response back rather than multiple emails Park, which you're paying for multiple emails. So I would just kind of try to, you know, keep everything that I needed, answered, and you know, like, into one email, rather than firing off random emails, here, there and everywhere. So yeah, it will, it will, it just all added up. But, you know, as you said, being able to kind of reach out when you need to is really, really, really important. I think that's kind of a life lesson anyway. You know, it's not just about this process. I think that in life, there are times that we're going to need help from other people. And it's okay. Even if you kind of feel that you're the most sorted person who, you know, you can you can cope with everything, you can manage everything, which is, you know, maybe a shortfall on my part sometimes. But yeah, I think to be able to reach out and just say to someone else, look, you know, this is your specialism. And it was such a relief to me, it was literally, excuse me, like, a weight lifted off my shoulders, when I kind of handed everything over to you. And I just thought right over to you now, you bring it back to me, whatever you tell me, you're the professional in this arena. And you kind of bring it back to me, and I will take that advice from you. So that was really helpful.

Tamsin Caine 12:54
That's good. That's really good to hear. So we we had to look at their financial situation. And, and, and so my days, what you needed from from the marital part, which I always think it's a really horrible way of referring to all the things that you've accumulated in your marriage, but and, and worked out what you needed from it, and how best to, to go and negotiate a settlement for for you. So you mentioned earlier about keeping the children at the centre of your focus with you and your ex husband? How did you go about doing that? Because that that's a heck of a difficult thing to do. When it's to review as a couple that are going through this, this turmoil, how did you negotiate that? How did you manage that?

Paulette Forbes 13:50
And I think the first thing we did, actually, on the advice of my solicitor was to go for mediation. And it was a group mediation session, it was just a one off, you know, because we weren't having mediation to look at getting back together, you know, it was just about looking at how we were going to manage things moving forward. And so we went to, to that mediation session, which was quite interesting, really, I mean, it was, it was kind of surreal in some ways, because there were, you know, one or two other couples, maybe two or three other couples actually. And, and it kind of reminded me of being at national childbirth trust classes, you know, like, you kinda it was, it was it was this bizarre kind of scenario in which you're with these other couples who are also divorcing and, but, you know, there was another couple who were saying Mullah to us who were clearly, you know, trying to work things out in a, you know, really straightforward amicable way. And I kind of thought, this is just bizarre, I kind of thought, you know, had it been 25 years ago, these could have been people that we would have been really great friends with, we would have befriended and gone on and had dinner, like, you know, our kids would have grown up together, it was just bizarre. But it was also quite difficult, because obviously, there were others there whose situations weren't quite so straightforward. So it was emotionally quite difficult, I know, for other people. But that was really, really, really helpful in terms of helping us to think not least about how to tell the kids and when to tell the kids and what to say to the kids. Because actually, that was one of my biggest fears. In fact, it probably was my biggest fear, you know, everyone else, you know, like family grown people, you know, I kind of thought, you know, your groom people, you can kind of deal with that, and you can work that all out. But actually, my fear was about how the kids were going to deal with that and manage it. And, you know, I won't lie, I wish, you know, I wish I could say that, it was all very straightforward, and very easy. You know, of course, it said, you know, very, very difficult bit of information to share with the kids. And of course, they were understandably upset, you're not gonna get away from that, you're not going to get away from that, particularly, if they're not seeing arguing and fighting all the time, you know, it's not quite so easy to understand. But I think even if you are seeing arguing and fighting, I still think it's difficult. And, but the mediation mediator helped us to kind of think about the words to use, how to do it, where to do it, you know, everything that kind of the logistics of actually, you know, how to do it. And that was really helpful. And we have tried to keep them involved, when it's relevant to do so because it is, you know, they are still ultimately, they're still kids, even though my eldest is an adult child. And, you know, we asked and entitled to some privacy, and, you know, they don't need to know the minutiae I the ins and outs that you know, and

Tamsin Caine 17:20
probably shouldn't know, either, they don't need to,

Paulette Forbes 17:23
they shouldn't know, your rights, and then, and, you know, whatever. And to be honest with you, it's not just them, others don't really need to know, I mean, that others sometimes want to know, some family members have kind of wanted the detail. And you know, and it's like, actually, that's not any of your business. It really isn't, this is between me and him. And really, that's it, no one else really needs to know, you know, and, you know, what you do need to know is that, you know, we have made this decision, we're not going back on that decision. And ultimately, what we want more than anything is your support. And, and, you know, I guess if you can't really give us that, then, you know, it might be that we need to kind of pull back a little bit, you know, and we'll take the support where we can get it.

Tamsin Caine 18:18
Yeah, I think it's a podcast that I think it was the first one that I recorded in series two, with a lovely lady called Beth and Beth was saying that some of the input from some of her friends actually cause more damage than anything else. in it. It's one of those things that what you need your friends for is practical support. It's like, come and babysit for me one night, so I can have an eye out. For me Make me a cup of tea, because I probably haven't had one made for me all week, because I've got teenagers in the house and they know, that just, you know, just come for a walk with me comfort. me Don't. Don't ask me about all the detail of because it's not, it does get quite boring to talk about as well. Yeah, tell me what's going on in your life instead of asking me what's going on in my just be there when I do want to talk?

Paulette Forbes 19:23
Yeah. I mean, you know, my friends, I can't, you know, I got I can't can't fault any of them, you know, you know, I've got a tight knit group of friends. And they have been remarkable. And you know, of course, the other thing that we were contending with was doing this during the pandemic

Tamsin Caine 19:43
which makes the thing much easier.

Unknown Speaker 19:45
Of course it has. So, you know, just, you know, not even not being able to see people necessarily because I think at the time, it was when we were in you know, that kind of full lockdown. And so there was an awful lot of zoom calls in the car, you know, where I could kind of go off and speak to friends in the car on via zoom. And then as soon as we were able to kind of meet one other person, there was loads of walking. And I've actually calculated this is an interesting, fun fact for you. I calculated how many miles I walked in the pandemic here. And it was 1500 miles.

Tamsin Caine 20:32
That's a lot.

Paulette Forbes 20:34
There we go. And that, you know,

Tamsin Caine 20:37
I wonder if you walked 1500 miles, where that gets you to

Paulette Forbes 20:40
I'm gonna work that out! Good idea. I mean, I know that I could have walked to London several times and back to seek my family, for the pandemic, but, but so yes, in my family, my friends have been amazing. They have been hugely, hugely supportive. And the kids have been amazing to be completely honest with you. I mean, of course, as I said, it was a shock. And we've kept them in the loop in terms of kind of discussions about how things are going to kind of move forward from here on. And, you know, and they, I think, you know, they've been great. I mean, I think the other thing is, is that, we are fortunate in that there are so many different family types now anyway, you know, I think once upon a time, you know, like the, you know, living in the 70s and 80s, the dead as a child, and, you know, being part of a single parent family, they know, there was maybe a bit more of a stigma, but you know, I mean, you've got same sex, you've got, you know, single male, single female, you've got, you know, quite a family, you know, stepfamilies half, half siblings, and, you know, so it's not, it's not such a big is, it really isn't. And, you know, my kids, certainly my two older ones, you know, they both know, friends whose parents have separated, and, and I think they've been able to kind of get some support from their friends as well. So that that's helped. That's really helped.

Tamsin Caine 22:23
Yeah, definitely. Well, I know, like for you, you know, you said one of your greatest fear was around telling the children and guess how they would react? And then how they would cope afterwards? Do you have Do you told them? Did you put anything in place to help them this this word resilient, crops up? My experience with my kids is that they were much more resilient than I expected them to be? That they came through it much better than I expected them to? Did you did you put anything into place to help them to negotiate this path, or to help them to be more resilient in in the time that they were in the things that they were dealing with?

Paulette Forbes 23:14
I guess, the only thing that and it was because of COVID was that we were both physically very accessible to them. So, you know, we, we did a mixture of giving them space, because we didn't want them to kind of feel that every conversation there thereafter was gonna just focus on you know, you know, the divorce, because life is more than just the divorce. And so we gave them space, but we also checked in regularly, you know, we knew, I mean, there are three kids that said unique individual, they all responded in slightly different ways. And we just had to kind of adapt the way that we were with them according to how they were kind of processing it and dealing with it. And, you know, so one of them was particularly very, very angry at me and very angry at me. That was hard. I won't lie that was really, really, really hard. But I had to try and remember that, you know, it was it wasn't necessarily about me it was about the situation and probably feeling a bit out of control and and that that was kind of part of the process. And I tell you what, the other thing sorry again, this is quite interesting. And I've just remembered when you've just asked if there's anything else I put into place. And one of the kids was really interested in getting a pet. We we had resisted And actually that they wanted a dog. And that was still going to be resisted just because I thought I don't want a dog and you know, the responsibility is going to come down to me. And it's quite a big responsibility and all of that kind of stuff, and they live forever. So, you know, we had lengthy discussions about however, we did compromise, and we got a kitten

Tamsin Caine 25:27
sounding very familiar.

Paulette Forbes 25:32
And to be honest, I lived with cats. I grew up with cats. And you know, we had cats before we have the kids and yeah, so. So it didn't feel like such a stretch to to get a kitten. And initially, again, like I said, I was a bit resistant, and I was like thinking, oh, gosh, do I really want another pet? And then I just thought, let's do it. And then To be honest, I got so excited. I was like, so so excited about you know, getting a cat and, and actually, she is adorable. She's She's, she's asleep in a box behind me. She's got like, a little, it's, I shouldn't be name dropping, but it is Amazon. Okay, sorry. So we've got an Amazon box is something that we ordered ages and ages ago. And she was not interested in sleeping in anything apart from this Amazon box thing in the Amazon box at the moment. But that has been brilliant. And you know, they talk about the how therapeutic it can be in terms of having pets, and you know, how kids can overcome or deal with some trauma through having pets. So she's been brilliant. And the kids adore her. And I think she's great. So, I think that's also helped in some ways. And as I said, I didn't mind having a cat. I did mind having a duck

Tamsin Caine 26:54
I'm absolutely with you. I did we did the same. We got two kittens, rather than around the new dog. Now the kittens are cats, they're now back to badgering for a dog

Paulette Forbes 27:06
Oh, no. I've already told them they know that there's nothing that's going to shift me on the dog front.

Tamsin Caine 27:14
no no my mind do as well. One of the things that that I think's interesting about, about this whole process is how how schools help them react. I just wondered how did you tell school early on that it was happening? How have they been helpful?

Paulette Forbes 27:39
Now, you know, that's really interesting. That's an interesting question. It was difficult because my youngest was transitioning to high school yet in COVID. And didn't know any of the teaching staff obviously. So in some ways, I think had he still been in primary school, and people who knew him, it would have felt more appropriate. In some ways it felt it felt better for them to have that complete separation that they didn't have to have that link or, you know, that label. So actually, we didn't tell school. And I think they kind of we didn't actually discuss that. That's an interesting point. But No, we didn't. And they, they, they seem to be okay with that. And, you know, I think they, they get their support. Certainly the two oldest ones that my youngest, I think, you know, it's kind of like, he just continued to play with the PlayStation and go out on his bike and play with his mates. And it's kind of said, until things change in terms of life changes, you know, like how cells or, you know, we move or whatever, you know, what, until something changes, then he's just carrying on just being a kid, you know, and my two older ones have kind of just spoken to mates. And, you know, we I don't think we've kind of felt the need to involve teaching staff. With with that.

Tamsin Caine 29:16
Yeah, no, fair enough. I think perhaps at high school it is it is a different situation or don't, as you say, I'm not, I'm not sure that they necessarily need to know I think I did inform my kids high schools when they went, but that was more about who to call. When sorry, okay, if something happens, this is the order of people to call and kind of communication with with home. Like, could you please copy both of those into thoughts when they come out and things like that. But mine was still at primary school when we separated and there weren't any It was important for that spot, actually, the primary school that my kids were at, were absolutely brilliant. And, and they did, particularly my son who was finding it quite difficult. They butted him up with somebody whose parents have had gone through divorce. And they gave him safe space to talk to this for the child, and that he was allowed to go to kind of whenever, during break times, and lunch times, and so and just get that support from somebody who'd already been through. And I think that that made a massive difference to him in the way that he came through it. But he was a little bit younger than your youngest when when we were going through it. So..

Paulette Forbes 30:43
yeah, and I do think that had he still been a primary school. I definitely bought her because, you know, they it's it was smaller, everyone, you know, they all knew him. And water hurts, I'm sure put the right support in place, I guess it felt very different. him starting a new school in a pandemic world, you know, bearing in mind, you know, that, you know, he didn't know anybody, they didn't know him. And I kind of wondered, well, what support would they be able to offer him? What support would he expect from people that he doesn't know? You know, I would rather that he felt able to reach out to, you know, I've got great friends who've got kids the same age, and, you know, he's got people within our immediate network that he would get a more or better support from.

Tamsin Caine 31:31
Yeah, yeah. No, that makes that makes absolute sense. So we've talked to we've talked about kind of the process. So you had some counselling for a while then sought the help of a lawyer, you had some group mediation, which it's funny when you said, though, it was felt a bit like natural childbirth, because because initially, we're talking about this group mediation, the thing that came into my mind was a memory of being sat in a in a antenatal class. There must be something about that. That's it. And I've never had or experienced great mediation, but it was just flashed into into my head as well. And then from there, obviously, we did some work together. What Where did you go from from there? So we've we concluded our work together with with you having a good understanding of what you needed for your work finances, how to kind of approach the negotiations, and how and how you would like them to ideally settle? Where did that go from that point.

Paulette Forbes 32:43
So we then had to kind of come to an agreement really about what I was going to need moving forward and what he was going to need moving forward. And, and, you know, of course, our circumstances were that, you know, I'd spent the vast majority of my time after having kids being home. Certainly part time, I didn't go back to work full time. In fact, I still hadn't, I'm now working for myself, but still very much available to the kids, even though they're teenagers, you know, we know that doesn't stop. They just need it in different ways. But so yeah, so we had to kind of come to an agreement about what he was gonna need. And as I said, you know, we had other properties, and, you know, what was more important, you know, for me was, you know, obviously needing to have a lump sum to be able to put down a sizable chunk, on on the property. But, you know, for him, you know, he was happy to have the equity from the other property. So, so we were able to kind of come to an agreement about what was going to work financially for both of us. And, and for the kids, you know, giving them you know, some stability and, and so, yeah, so we were able to, it took a while, and it wasn't that we would disagree, and it's just that we needed to kind of work out exactly what was going to work for both of us. And so we, you know, I was kind of in lots of discussions with my solicitor, and also there were pensions that needed to be split between us. And, again, we came to an amicable agreement about that. And then we had a consent order drawn up, which outlined, you know, what the financial plan was gonna look like moving forward. So your sister did that. She did. Yeah. So she did that. And, you know, we we came to an agreement about about how things were going to look in The kind of immediate term post divorce because still residing in the same home, and then what things were gonna look like after the family home is sold. And so we had that all kind of drawn up and signed. And that then went before the courts. And that was agreed. And, and after that, we were then in a position to make application for the decree absolute and, and I was just saying to you before we came online, as it were, we started recording. And that that then happened remarkably quickly. And you know, I, I had kind of psychologically prepared myself for I think it said online, two to six weeks before the decree absolute might be granted. And so in my head, I was kind of prepared for Easter. And so I submitted the application online, very straightforward. And then, two hours later, I got a very stark black and white email response to say, you know, you are now divorced. So it was, it was as quick as that. And it was very stark, as I said, and quite shocking, in some ways, because I wasn't quite prepared for it. And yeah, so it was, it was kind of, again, quite surreal to, to be in that position. Even though it was something that we talked about for 18 months, and knew it was coming, it was just very sudden, and took a little time to process. And as we were saying earlier that you know, regardless of you know, the position that we got to, you know, we've been together for many, many, many years. And, you know, we share three fantastic kids, and we've, you know, have shared some good experiences. And yeah, it was kind of quite sad, really. And yeah, it was it was quite sad. And you know, I'm now at that point where I'm, I'm feeling much more kind of positive and looking forward to what the future is going to hold. Not just for me, but for the kids, but also that he is going to feature as I've said before, you know, he's the kids start and always will be and therefore will always feature and their lives and in my life in some degree to some degree. And I'm kind of just looking forward to, yeah, the next stage. That's the end of an era, but exciting things to come. Really exciting.

Tamsin Caine 37:51
I think it's really interesting the way you talk about, about it being the end of an era, I always think of it like a chapter in a book. Well, that that chapters closed, but it doesn't mean the books finished. And you can you can write your own chapter now. Because whilst Yeah, you've got to give consideration to your children, but in a way it's, it can start to be an exciting time that you can with, with your hopes and dreams and wishes absolutely in it. But it's not something you can you don't go straight to that, you know, still recent for you. And I think I think it takes time. We know I've worked with a few clients who've been divorced for a few years now and adjust coming to that point where they can start really kind of opening their mind to what the future might, might hold for them. And it's it's exciting times, but it just it takes time to process we've been through.

Paulette Forbes 38:59
Yeah, yeah, it's it's exciting. It's exciting. I mean, there is an element of apprehension and fear as well, you know, I mean, because you're potentially going it alone aren't Yeah. And, you know, and there's, you know, there's, you know, obviously there's bills that are going to need to be paid and costs for the kids and that, you know, even though he will continue to provide support, you do feel like you know, you are, you know, you're you are going it alone. So there is an element of kind of fear. But, you know, I'm very much a believer that it will be fine. It will all be fine. It will all work out. And 12 months ago, I couldn't imagine where I was going to be at this point. I really I couldn't visualise what my life was gonna look like that. You know, we made it still here. And in 12 months time, universe willing I will still be here. And life will continue.

Tamsin Caine 40:04
Absolutely, it's interesting that you refer to that 12 months. And because I am often saying, in 12 months, things will look different. I'm not saying everything will be resolved, but in 12 months, you will be in a better place than you are today. You've just got to take one day at a time for those 12 months. And you will, you will be in a better place. And, and I think it's interesting that you said that you mentioned exactly the same thing. And I think, another 12 months down the line from where you are today. Yeah, everything is gonna feel a bit better. Again, a new, different place again. Yeah. And I think it's, it is worth focusing on know, whatever is happening today, however awful, it feels, it's not, that's not a forever thing. like that forever, you come out the other side? And, and, you know, yeah, dealing with things and you start looking forward to the future. And yes, with some, some apprehension, because you, you are going it alone, but then that's exciting as well, because you don't have to compromise.

Paulette Forbes 41:17
No, it's true. No, it's true. No, I don't. And it is, you know, is is exciting. I am you know, and, you know, obviously there are things that are going to be changing as the year moves forward. And, you know, we'll start to kind of look at properties and forever on the property alerts list. Anyway, I have been probably for the last 10 years, but But yeah, so you know, it's kind of quite exciting, looking at other people's properties. Anyway, I really like doing that just cuz I'm nosy. But, so yeah, so that's been, that's been quite nice. And like thinking, you know, kind of almost visualising myself, sorry, the other bit about Sorry, I'm just gonna throw this in at the end. It's about the self care that is there, you know, I've also kind of been doing quite a lot of kind of meditations and, you know, affirmations and mantras, and what have you to kind of think very positively about what the future is going to hold and visualising. And so looking at these properties, I can kind of see myself, I can see me and the kids, you know, in, you know, what our house is going to look like and where it's going to be and how it's going to feel and how it has no smell. What music I'm going to be listed all of that. And, and that's really exciting.

Tamsin Caine 42:32
That's really that's a really beautiful thing to be able to really like that. And I think I think you're absolutely right self care is is vital. Even you've got to, you know, steal that edge, you've got to put your own mask on first, which seems to have become even more relevant. You're absolutely right. Before we wrap up, it's been it's been fantastic to talk to you. But what would your one piece of advice be to somebody who was going through separation right now?

Paulette Forbes 43:06
Probably what I said earlier, which is reaching out, don't be afraid to kind of reach out to, you know, whether it's a close confidant or certainly for professional advice and support, I think it's hard for me to do one because I think self care is also really fundamentally important. I think, you know, if you get that bit right, and being able to kind of ask for help, and you know, like I said, being able to, in the, in the thick of it, you can't see the wood for the trees sometimes. But just being able to kind of maybe do some meditations and just look after yourself is really, really important. Yeah.

Tamsin Caine 43:55
Well, lovely note to to finish up. Paulette, thank you so much for offering to come and be a guest on my podcast. It's been fantastic to catch up with you and see how brilliantly you've come through all this. And I look forward to seeing you again soon.

Paulette Forbes 44:10
Thank you so much for having me.

Tamsin Caine 44:16
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