How do you date someone living with their ex? It’s not easy but in Susan Leigh’s latest blog she looks at some of the issues and possible resolutions.
Would You Date Someone Who’s Living with Their Ex?
When someone is in that interim stage of adjusting from being partnered to single, ultimately aiming to move from a shared home into their own place, it follows that domestic issues can take a while to resolve. There’s much to navigate; the emotional upheaval of the breakup, sorting out finances, possessions, where to move, especially if children need to be considered. All this can cause those involved to feel drained and depleted.
Returning to dating may mean that initially they’re still living with their ex. Whilst this arrangement may seem unusual it often depends on what other options are available and what factors require taking into account.
There could be many reasons why a divorced couple continue to live together. Finances could be proving hard to resolve, which may result in limited monies being available to fund moving on and them living independently of each other. Access to children and appropriate childcare may be an issue. A couple may share work or business interests. Or they may still be good friends, have an amicable relationship, yet don’t feel they can remain married, but are okay to house share for a while.
Starting a new relationship with someone who’s still living with their ex can be problematic. Their ex will know them better than anyone and may still, even though they’re no longer officially a couple, continue to exert significant influence over them. It’s not easy to go back to ‘theirs’ after a romantic evening together, or you may be uneasy about what’s being discussed as your relationship progresses. No matter how clear you are about these concerns, you’ve got to accept that your relationship will be discussed at times.
Navigating living with an ex means that firm boundaries need to be established by the couple from the outset. How are the revised living arrangements going to be introduced and maintained? Personal space, whether it be bedrooms, bathrooms or even shared cooking areas need to be clearly discussed and agreed. Late night guests, sleepovers, loud music and any potentially contentious topics, like cleaning and household expenses, need to be dealt with as soon as they arise in order to keep the relationship cordial and on track in its new, more formalised setting.
What if your ex lives near you? It can be tempting to try to avoid bumping into them by using other shops, cafes and petrol stations. Driving major detours to avoid going into ‘their space’ can quickly become stressful and anxiety prone. It’s far better, from the outset to continue going about your daily life and accept that they quite possibly share similar concerns and are equally apprehensive about running into you. But if you frequently see them the more desensitised you’re likely to become over time.
Starting a relationship with someone who lives with their ex means being alert to any signs that they’re not over them. Are they constantly checking in with their ex to see if ‘they’re okay’? Of course, there may be outstanding matters that still need to be dealt with, but regular texting, calling round and looking out for their ex delays the healing process and indicates that there are still unfinished or unresolved issues. It’s no surprise that the first relationship after a significant breakup is often called a ‘rebound’, there being much love and affection that’s become available and is now looking to be directed at a new, special someone.
Some couples agree to a “no contact rule”. This can provide reassurance that their relationship is over and can help with the healing process. But, if there are outstanding or ongoing matters that still need to be dealt with, it can feel onerous and expensive to have to always go through formal channels, like a mediator or lawyer. ‘No contact’ depends on circumstances and can be especially tedious to navigate if children need to be considered.
And occasionally people do get back with their exes. If they move in similar circles, their paths may intermittently cross. After early adult concerns, like mortgages, career advancement, young families or aging relatives, are dispensed with, the empty emotional space can provide ample time to reflect on what might have been possible together. Could now be a time to reflect on the relationship and introduce a relaxed, less stressful, more accommodating approach to life and each other.
The saying, ‘the grass is not always greener on the other side’ can sometimes apply to relationships. A couple may recognise that they got together when young and didn’t appreciate what they had at the time. Or, they became preoccupied with work, career progression, family matters and lost sight of each other as a consequence. Sometimes a couple can reignite their relationship as they get older and look back with affection and perhaps regret. Some may choose to revisit their relationship and see each other with renewed affection and less critical eyes.
Susan Leigh, Counsellor, Hypnotherapist, Writer and Media Contributor, www.lifestyletherapy.net