Oftentimes ‘no’ is viewed as negative and is perhaps even seen as aggressive or unhelpful in tone, whilst ‘yes’ is regarded as positive, obliging and supportive. But is that really the case? Sometimes saying ‘yes’ and agreeing to something for the wrong reasons is detrimental to our health, ultimately resulting in the build-up of stress and tension.
‘Yes’ can also cause problems when those around us get used to always hearing agreement to their requests. They learn to expect it and feel aggrieved if it becomes unforthcoming. Eleanor Roosevelt reportedly said that we teach people how to treat us, and saying ‘yes’ or ‘no’ is an important factor in their experience of us.
There are many reasons why we may agree to something that we’d prefer not to do or get involved with. We may feel that it’s expected or we’re eager to belong and feel that saying ‘yes’, allows us to be more readily accepted by the group. We may not want to be seen as a party pooper or spoilsport, or there may be concerns about being bullied if we don’t go along with the crowd. So, we allow ourselves reluctantly to be guilt-tripped or cajoled into unwanted situations or behaviour.
But saying ‘yes’ when we’d really rather not, can have a huge impact on our lives and increase our stress levels. Our bodies internalise how we’re feeling and tension can build up when we’re regularly resistant to something we don’t want to do. ‘Seepage’ can occur, even if our words or carefully arranged smile try hard to conceal it. Body language experts know that a vast amount of communication is done non-verbally through a variety of clues, even when we think we’re disguising it well, especially from ourselves!
This explains how we may experience a gut reaction when first meeting someone new. We can pick up on their mood, don’t trust or feel uneasy about what they’re saying, or sense that they’re a bit ‘off’. We’re unconsciously picking up their non-verbal cues, which may be in response to what’s going on with them and their lives.
These cues can include subtle changes in someone’s breathing, a tensing of their shoulders and facial muscles, erratic eye contact, biting their lip, covering their mouth, or displaying stiffened body movements. Their energy may simply feel uncomfortable.
Some people are afraid to say ‘no’ and accumulate so much stress that they become accident-prone, overwhelmed and unable to think or function properly. Muddled thinking, poor concentration, bumping into things, tripping up or getting hurt may well be unconscious attempts to try to find ways out of situations that they’re otherwise unable to extricate themselves from. Becoming distracted, with a desperate desire to avoid something can, at times, prompt our unconscious to intervene and try to rescue us, even though it’s being done without our being fully aware.
But agreeing to things we don’t want to do delivers the wrong message to those in our orbit. We can’t expect people to tip-toe around us or second-guess how we’re feeling or what we want. Sending mixed signals can convey a confusing message that causes misunderstandings to occur.
Saying ‘no’, appropriately can open a conversation and enhance our understanding in a relationship. It allows us to explore other options and learn more about each other. Doing it in a positive, assertive way avoids the need for aggression or anger. ‘Leave it with me’, ‘I’ll have to check’, ‘let me get back to you’, ‘I’m not sure at the moment’, are ways to defer and delay an immediate answer to a request or question that we’re hesitant about. Sometimes it’s better to press pause and find appropriate, respectful ways to say ‘no, not now’.
This teaches others to value us and our contributions. It’s good for them to learn that we’re not always available, not constantly at their beck and call. We have a life that needs to be taken into account and included in negotiations. This can be a positive step in bringing a better, more even balance into our relationships.
We also need to have an awareness of the people who, for various reasons, are disinclined to speak up and who silently go along with whatever’s asked or expected of them. They may be easy-going and genuinely not mind what they do, or they may find some situations intimidating and stressful, especially if they involve speaking up or disagreeing This can gradually become a habit, where one person slowly feels that they’re losing their identity and are automatically assumed to comply. Over time, resentment can fester and cause issues, changes in their personality, and significantly damage the relationship.
But equally, let’s not forget that when one person says ‘no’ others may well be pleased, as they didn’t have the nerve to speak up first. Someone else speaking up lets them off the hook, and there’s a collective sigh of relief.
Effective communication comes from being open and honest in an adult relationship. It’s important to broach tough topics and discuss if we’re feeling disrespected, taken for granted or not fully appreciated. Having those conversations allows a relationship to develop and become an authentic, valued part of our lives.
Susan Leigh, Counsellor and Hypnotherapist www.lifestyletherapy.net