Tamsin speaks to divorce coach and author Claire Black. Claire has been through divorce herself and talks about her own experiences of divorce, along with how they helped her to form the work she now does. Her book is practical and non-judgemental. They also discuss how that came about.
Claire Black is one of the UK’s leading Break-up and Divorce Coaches and author of “Break-up: From Crisis to Confidence”, the essential guide for anyone facing a sudden separation. Claire offers bespoke coaching to support individuals through break-up, so that they can create new and vibrant lives. She is a Master NLP Practitioner, divorcee, and parent to two teenage boys. She is also a former solicitor. Using all of her professional and personal experience, Claire has built a thriving coaching business, helping clients all over the world to recover from break-up or divorce.
Break up & Divorce Coach
Tamsin is a Chartered Financial Planner with over 20 years experience. She works with couples and individuals who are at the end of a relationship and want agree how to divide their assets FAIRLY without a fight.
You can contact Tamsin at email@example.com or arrange a free initial meeting using https://calendly.com/tamsin-caine/15min. She is also part of the team running Facebook group Separation, Divorce and Dissolution UK
Tamsin Caine MSc., FPFS
Chartered Financial Planner
Smart Divorce Ltd
(The transcript has been created by an AI, apologies for any mistakes)
Tamsin Caine 0:06
Hello, and welcome to the Smart Divorce podcast. In series four, we’re going to be talking to various different professionals and authors who have gone through divorce and dissolution of a civil partnership, to talk about the future, and how you can start helping things to look much more positively. And we have some fantastic guests lined up. But if there is anything specific that you would like us to cover, please do get in touch. And you can contact me through our website, www dot smart divorce.co.uk. And I look forward to hearing from you soon. Enjoy!
Hi. So today I’m going to be joined by the lovely divorce breakup coach Claire Black. And this all came about because she recently asked me to read and review her book. I was really delighted to do so delighted to be asked, but actually, when I read her book, I found it really, really useful. And it’s a really good practical guide to going through divorce to dealing with the emotional side of, of divorce. And I found there was a lot that we had in common in what we do with clients to help them prepare for the next chapter and, and not only prepare for but actually really design what will be their best life plan for the future and really start to look forward to to what’s coming up for them in the future and really live their best life. So delighted to talk to Claire today. I really hope that you enjoy our conversation as well. Let’s jump in. Hi and welcome to Smart Divorce Podcast. I’m delighted to be joined today by Claire Black. Claire is a book market speak a specialist breakup and divorce coach, she works with clients to empower them to create new and vibrant lives after divorce. She also wrote a fabulous book called breakup from crisis to confidence, which is the essential guide for anyone facing a sudden separation or in fact, any kind of separation whatsoever. It’s a brilliant book with loads of practical advice in it and things you can actually get off your backside and go and do to help on the spot. So yeah, I can highly recommend that Claire, welcome to podcast!
Claire Black 2:52
Hi, Tamsin, thank you for having me.
Tamsin Caine 2:54
That’s a pleasure. Thank you for joining me, I am really looking forward to our conversation day because I was just thinking before, although I feel like I know you really well. We’ve never actually spoken
Claire Black 3:05
before. No, this first time.
Tamsin Caine 3:09
So this will be this should be a very interesting chat. And having read your book, I’m really excited to talk to you because I know you’re gonna have lots of advice for our listeners. But I wanted to take you back a bit and start by talking about what led you to becoming a divorce coach.
Claire Black 3:26
So really, it was my my own transition through my own divorce was in 2008. And my own divorce was very sudden. So I I had two children at the time, and were three and one was still only got two children, but they were three and one at the time. The two, the two. Yeah. And they were three and one at the time and made their tea, put them to bed. My husband had made dinner. And we sat down and we were watching as you do on a Tuesday night at Holby City. And I thought he was a bit quiet. So I asked him if there was something wrong. And his next sentence was my whole entire world fell apart in the space of time it took him to say, I’m not ready. Okay, no, I’ve been seeing someone else. And it was one of those moments where, you know, there was life before that. And there was life after that. And everything kind of fell apart at that point. i My immediate reaction was, oh my goodness, I need to go out of the house because if I go he can’t leave. So I went next door to our neighbours and stayed there for an hour or so when I came home he had there was a bag ready and he was he was ready to go. And then the next three months I don’t massively remember. And the next few months a bit of a blur of crisis. Lots of questions in my mind, you know, what would I be able to say where I was living? How will the children be? Would he Be an absent father, would he be a good dad? Would I manage financially, all those kinds of questions that suddenly crammed into your mind all at once. And I made, I made a couple of decisions that really helped. And looking back, the first one was that I was going to let myself wallow in it for three months. And then I’d pick myself back up. And actually, what I didn’t realise at the time was I was kind of training my brain to start to feel better after three months. So by this was in March, by about June, I was beginning to think, well, there are some upsides to this, I can get a babysitter and go out and I want to I can cook with the things I like to I can eat with the children and not have to cook twice. I get weekends when I can go for a long bike ride by myself. And all of these things started to change my perception of what was happening. And the other really good piece of advice I had from a friend who I actually met on Mumsnet, I don’t know if you’ll listen to that. But it was a really big source of support for me at the time. And she said, put a smile on your face every morning, it will help you to feel better. And I didn’t believe her at first. But I started to do that putting a smile on my face every morning. And actually, what I know now is that scientifically, that helps release endorphins. And so I did actually start to feel better. And, and so to cut a very long story short, I then decided that I needed to act with dignity at all times, emblazoned across my forehead. So every time I had to see my ex husband, I would make sure I was wearing nice clothes, and I put a bit of makeup on and I would hold myself together. And that really helped as well to rebuild my my confidence up. And over time, I kind of made it my mantra to get to the stage where when my children get married, there is no issue between my ex and I and we’re able to be in the same room, we’re able to have a conversation, we’re able to be civil and polite. And that kind of kept me on the straight and narrow. And then for a while the subsequent 1012 years now. So that’s kind of my story. And that’s that’s where my motivation has come from. I want other people to know that they’re not alone. There was nothing out there, like the service I provided at that point in time. And, you know, I want people to know that they’re not alone, and that they can do this with dignity, and that they can come out the other side feeling really proud. And they can create a new life that they enjoy, and that they love.
Tamsin Caine 7:32
Absolutely. So many things that that you’ve just said massively resonate with me. I, I love the behaviour and with dignity, that I think, to have that in your mind, the whole time is amazing. And the other thing that you said that dude is really important is that those special occasions where you both need to be there aren’t going to be an issue. So I, child to divorce parents, I’m divorced myself, but I’m also a child of divorced parents and my parents were both at my wedding. But it was the most terrifically awkward day ever. And that was the thing on my mind, and there’s a bride or groom. But clearly I was. And it’s not what should be on your mind. And your wedding day is how your parents are going to behave when they’re together.
Claire Black 8:33
No, I always wanted my children to be able to think we can put whoever we want on our top table if you’d like. And if we want Mum and Dad on there. That’s possible. If we want Mum and Dad and any new partners, that should also be possible. I just don’t want them to have to think about it. Yeah. And I often say to clients, you know, that doesn’t mean that we have to be friends. That doesn’t mean we have to be friendly, and civil and polite. You know, and it can stop at that. But that’s that’s what we need to be.
Tamsin Caine 9:01
Absolutely. And you know, there are people who who have their exes around for dinner. And that’s, that’s lovely. And if that’s the relationship you might have then then good for you. But it does, as you say, it doesn’t have to be like that. It just has to be so that you can bit stuff together and not. And the kids not have to worry about whether you can behave yourself because they have enough go. I think so. Yeah, I I’m all for that. I think that’s, that’s absolutely brilliant. That the comment that you made about so back in 2008, there was no one really providing the service that that you provide. And one of the things I’ve found over the last sort of few years of doing this job is that there are a number of divorce coaches, but you’re all quite different. We said this before we started recording today because I’ve interviewed a number of people As coaches, and you’re also very different, and the service you provide is quite different. So I wondered how, if you were there now, you would go about looking for the right person to help you?
Claire Black 10:14
Oh, that’s a really interesting question. I think I, I would look for somebody who would help me to be quite proactive, who would help me to look for choices? Who would help me to think about what I could do, rather than what I rather than getting stuck in what I couldn’t. And I guess that’s That’s partly personality, you know, my, my mindset is always what can I do with this, rather than trying rather than sort of staying stuck in feeling overwhelmed? So I think I would look for somebody who said things that resonated with me, wrote, wrote blogs that perhaps spoke to my situation, who seemed to have the same sorts of values, and beliefs and approach as me. I think that’s how I do it. And I think you know, it’s always worth talking to, you can talk to as many people as you you need to, to make a decision and kind of go with your gut on who you feel fits best. And who you whose approach you feel, sits right with you.
Tamsin Caine 11:17
Yeah, absolutely. Where would you look? So I the divorce coaches that I know, and this may just be me, but all seem to be based in the south of England. Hello, not entirely sure why this is last boss, coaches that have a pull to the sea, because you all also seem to be quite hit the sea. But there are there don’t seem to be as many. So I’m based in the Northwest don’t seem to be so many apparently. No, that’s not a problem, because I know that all of you. I’m quite happy to work on Zoom. But But where? Where do I go looking? Is there an institute of divorce coaches? Is there a website that I can find you on? Where would you look?
Claire Black 12:05
So some of us are registered with resolution, for example, the Family Law Group. So I’ve got a profile on resolution website, for example. I would go straight to Google, though, to be honest. Okay, I would Google divorce coaches. And I think there are lots of us on Instagram, a lot of us on Facebook, LinkedIn, as well. I’m very active on all of those. And also, sometimes you I’ve spent a lot of time over the last four years, talking to lawyers, and helping lawyers understand how my work sits alongside their work. And sometimes I get quite a lot of referrals from lawyers. So that’s another avenue. Now ask your lawyer if they’ve got a recommendation, as well. Yes.
Tamsin Caine 12:53
That’s a good idea. So on that subject, so you, you mentioned you spend a lot of time talking to lawyers about how your work sits alongside they do so. So how does that work?
Claire Black 13:06
So what I find is that a lot of, I suppose previously, if you were facing a divorce, your, your first thought would be, oh, my goodness, I need a lawyer. And that’s kind of where we stop. But actually, divorce, as you know, isn’t just a legal journey. There’s an emotional journey, there’s a financial journey, to go on alongside the legal journey. And actually, often, it’s the emotional journey that makes the legal journey much more tricky and a lot more expensive. And so, I think it’s understanding that to go through a divorce, with dignity, with confidence, you may need to look at your support group. So who’s in your support network? What professionals do you want alongside you during that journey, and not everybody’s going to need a coach, not everybody’s going to need a financial advisor, some people might decide that they can do their divorce DIY without a lawyer as well. So everybody’s situation is going to be different. But definitely have a look around and see and think about what support you need in place. Because if you use your lawyer, as your emotional support, it’s going to cost you an absolute fortune.
Tamsin Caine 14:15
It’s not going to end well either, because they’re not there for that.
Claire Black 14:19
No, and mostly most lawyers are not trained to do that. And they don’t actually want to do that either.
Tamsin Caine 14:24
Absolutely. I what I found out so i i second series, the podcast was was talking to people who’ve been through divorce and come out the other side. And what I discovered was that all of them by none, had had some form of emotional support at some point. The ones you’d have it at the beginning of that first journey. didn’t need it later. The ones who hadn’t bothered and hadn’t thought they needed it during or before their divorce journey. Follow At some point later. So my first port of call is, when anybody comes to see me it’s like, right, what motional support have you got in place. And if it’s nothing, then it’s right, let’s send you to the person that I think is going to best fit your situation, or give them a range of numbers to call to, to get that support. So let’s talk about the process. So if I’m in a position where either I’ve just decided to separate from my partner, or that decision has been made for me, and I come and talk to you for the first time, what are we going to do.
Claire Black 15:43
So I always talk to people for half an hour, 45 minutes before, you know, before they decide to work with me, because it’s really important to make sure that we get on, we have a rapport that we fit, I tend to work with people over a period of time. So sort of four to six months or so. So we’ll talk about what your main challenges are, what your main concerns are, what your fears are. And we’ll also talk about what you’d like life to look like in that six months at the end of that six month period, or in a year’s time. Because part of the really important part of what I do isn’t just helping you to cope with what’s happening right now. But it’s to give you the resources to create a blueprint for a life that you’re you’re excited about that you are looking forward to live. And that can be a real magnet for a lot of people to draw them forward to stop them staying stuck in the pain of what’s happening right now. So we’ll talk about your your hopes and your dreams and where you’d like to get to, as well as your your main challenges. And I might suggest strategies during during the call that people can start to use right now. And you know, sort of coaching strategies so that people get an idea of what it would be like to actually work with me on a on a longer term basis. I don’t wouldn’t want anybody to leave even an initial call without something that they can take away.
Tamsin Caine 17:04
Yeah, absolutely. And, and we talked before about your book. And as I said, in my introduction, it’s full of brilliant practical tips. And I’m a very practical person. I loved kind of reading through it and having things to do, like, go away and do this. Good. And I can imagine if I’d have had your book while I was going through divorce, which I wish I had done, it would have it would have been been a massive help, because that’s absolutely spoke to me. So what was it that led you to writing the book in first place.
Claire Black 17:48
And it was mostly I wanted to write the book that I wish I’d had when I was going through my own separation. And I’m like you say it’s full of strategies, activities, ideas, brainstorm suggestions, all kinds of things that you can actually do to help yourself to get unstuck. And to move forward, it’s split into kind of chapters. So it’s not, you wouldn’t read it necessarily from beginning to end in one setting, you might dip in and out of different chapters. So for example, there’s chapters on communication, there’s chapters on taking back control. There’s chapters on telling children and supporting your children, so you can dip in and out of it. And there are exercises and suggestions in all of the chapters. And that’s what I wanted, I wanted to provide people with a journey, and practical and emotional support through that journey. So I would always suggest if you buy the book to buy journal as well, and use it alongside
Tamsin Caine 18:48
Yes, and journals and lovely as well. You can get nice. Like buying a new journal.
Claire Black 18:55
I keep thinking I should create a journal with the same sort of dragonfly pictures on the front. And, and yeah, have it alongside the book.
Tamsin Caine 19:03
That’s a great idea. I think you should absolutely, definitely do that. And yeah, I think that would be that would be that would be brilliant combination to have those those two together, and a nice pen.
Claire Black 19:19
A teal or turquoise pen of course.
Tamsin Caine 19:21
Yes. And some great business ideas would be a great idea. So big question. But what do your clients get working with you directly that they don’t get from the book.
Claire Black 19:40
So the book is obviously written in a in a much more general way. So when you work directly with me, we look at your precise circumstances your exact situation. We work with your internal resources. We work through your your map of the Well, how you see things, your perceptions, you know, one thing that I’ve learned through doing this is that there you can have, maybe three people come to see you on the same day and it from the outside, it looks as though they’re going through the same thing. You know, perhaps three people come to see me whose husbands or wives have made a sudden announcement that they weren’t expecting. One of them might be devastated and, and very depressed, another one might be really angry, and another one might actually feel relieved. So everybody’s situation is entirely different. So when you do one to one coaching, what you get is an absolutely tailored bespoke service that is created just for you. And is in response just to you, rather than the book is, you know, much more generalised. If that makes sense.
Tamsin Caine 20:52
Yeah. Absolutely. And are there particular people that you work best with? Is there is there a, I don’t want to say type of person, but you do specifically work with bands specifically work with women specifically work with people who are going through a particular type of divorce, or is it is it quite open,
Claire Black 21:16
I work with people in all sorts of different situations. And so I work with a lot of people who perhaps have had a sudden announcement from their partner, I also work with people who are the instigators of the divorce, I’ve got lots of clients as well, who’ve maybe been divorced for some time, and are still struggling to come to terms with it, or finding that it’s still affecting their lives. It’s not really about the situation, I think it’s about I love working with people who come to the coaching process open, they, they actively want to do things differently, they actively want to change, perhaps their approach to see things in a different way. They’re really open to trying different things, and, and taking on board some of the suggestions that I make, those clients are a joy to work with, because you can really see them the journey from here to where people end up in the end. So some of my most successful client relationships are with people who they know, perhaps they want to do it differently. They’re not quite sure how, or you know, they’re stuck in a particular place, but they want to move away from it, and they’re prepared to do things in order to move away.
Tamsin Caine 22:28
Yeah, absolutely. That makes complete sense. And, and it’s interesting that they don’t have to be at the beginning of the journey, it can be at any point. Because as I say, usually I that my first instinct is I send people when they first contact me and it tends to be early in their journey off to see some someone for emotional support. And that could be a coach or therapist depending on how, how Okay, or not, okay, they appear to be. But it’s, it’s good, that you they come work with you after sort of coming out the other side, because that is still you know, they haven’t had that emotional support throughout, it is still important to, to get that and to do the work because I think you do need it at some point.
Claire Black 23:21
I think as well, when sometimes if people have only been working with a solicitor, you know, their their decree, absolute will arrive, and the solicitors job is done at that stage. And so I work with quite a few people who are at that point, still not quite clear what the future looks like, or they’ve come to the end of a court process. And that’s taken up all their energy. And but now that’s over, actually, there’s some managing some focus to put into creating that, that new life and I love that work to work alongside people who are creating that, that that new existence, that new life that that that brings them pleasure and joy and satisfaction. So yeah,
Tamsin Caine 24:02
absolutely. And that that designing of the new chapter is something that I talk about a lot with, with my clients is that actually, I’m not saying that divorce is a completely positive experience, and everybody should do it. But there are massive positives that come that come out can come out of it, like you were saying before about, you know, oh, suddenly I’ve got weekends to go for a bike ride on my own, and I can make decisions about when I get a babysitter and want to go out and I think it is that that not having to compromise for somebody else. Obviously you making some compromises for children, but you kind of expect as a parent that you have to do that but to not have to have somebody else decide where you go on holiday or how long you go for or when you go out and all those things. That’s that actually can help you too. design this new life completely self currently, you know, even down to things like picking the furniture and the colours of the walls in the house that you live in, and all those sorts of things.
Unknown Speaker 25:12
that’s something that I talked about very early on with a lot of clients, you know, where can you take back control over your environment? For example, you know, it might be as simple as just getting a new duvet cover or changing a set of curtains or getting rid of all your old pictures and put in creating some new memories and putting those in frames. You know, so that you are focusing on the future, rather than looking back at what was?
Tamsin Caine 25:35
Yeah, no, absolutely. And I think those sorts of things can be really important to not be totally surrounded all the time by what was and to think about what what is the what’s going to be in currency that positively Yeah, what could be Yeah, absolutely. And lots of the clients that, that I’ve worked with, over the years have made huge changes in terms of what they’re, you know, both you and me, got have gone through divorce and changed our career path because of that, of that process. And, you know, I’m delighted with, with the way mine has, has progressed, and being able to work with people who are going through divorce, I’m sure, you must feel the same, because it’s an absolute pleasure to see people move from that beginning. And that beginning meeting where quite often these books or tissues come in very handy, to, you know, the continued work and them seeing them absolutely fly and start new careers. And, you know, we’ve got one client who’s off to buy a camper van to go travelling around the UK with her boys and, you know, really making memories as families. It’s an absolute pleasure. So yeah, there are definite positive, that we’re not recommending it as a life choice.
Claire Black 27:03
absolutely been opportunity.
Tamsin Caine 27:05
Yeah, definitely. One thing I found interesting about your book that is different to other people who’ve been through what you’ve been through is that I found it very unbalanced. In its view, it wasn’t at all critical of, of one version of events, as opposed to another it wasn’t it? Well, if you’ve had this done to you, then this is the book for you. Actually, I found that it wouldn’t matter if you were the one making the decision, or the one being on the receiving end, or if you’ve made the decision together. And totally, there wasn’t a judgement in it. Was that? That must be how some some thing that you feel inside, but was that a conscious decision?
Claire Black 27:57
No, it wasn’t a conscious decision. But it is absolutely something that I feel inside and I’m, I, whatever clients come to me with, I’m never going to judge them. On it. I’ve heard all kinds of things that, that, that people, other people might judge, and it’s really what’s really important to me is that, that, that I understand that there are different perceptions. So what might be my perception of what happened is totally different, probably to what my ex husband perception is of what happened. And that’s really normal. It doesn’t mean that either our perceptions is wrong. But we both have a different truth that we we stand in. So I do a lot of work with people around helping them to understand things from different perspectives, whether that’s their exes perspective, or their children’s perspective. And it can often help to bring compassion into the process, and understanding and dial down a lot of conflict. So yes, that is really important to me. And that, you know, as humans will have totally different maps of the world. And since my NLP training, coming through, we will have totally different maps of the world and totally different understandings of what happened. And that’s normal, and that’s okay. And so I kind of I kind of, I veer away from the kind of this is the right path, this is the wrong path, because actually what we need to do is just find the right path for you.
Tamsin Caine 29:26
Yeah, yeah, I think I think that’s really useful because there can be a lot of guilt if you feel like you’re in the wrong. And actually, what I’ve found, and I’m sure you must have done as well, is that quite often that there’s something on both sides that wasn’t working, you know, and he can’t have he can’t, he can’t go through carrying the guilt of it of the relationship, not working by feeling like you would do it. them in the wrong, I think this is one of those things that you because otherwise you tend to give everything. When I get involved and start looking at the finances, it’s almost like, well, I’m going to give away kind of everything because that absolves me of, of the guilt that I’ve got. And that that doesn’t help anybody either. I don’t think,
Claire Black 30:21
no, I do a lot of work with clients around letting go of guilt. You know, nothing is ever 100% A or B, is it the world is not that black and white. So yeah, I did a lot of work around that with people. And you know, guilt is one of those things and, and shame as well, that is a very emotional tie to the past that can stop you from moving forward. And it’s something that you have to, you know, resentment or guilt or shame is something that you kind of have to put energy into holding on to. And it can be really damaging in the long in the long term.
Tamsin Caine 30:56
Yeah, absolutely. One of the other things that, that I come across, is his client feeling that sense of failure. You know, though, he kind of almost think, Oh, well, it should be really should be, you know, marriage shouldn’t be that difficult, you know, it’s, and I failed at something that he know, should be really easy. And none of my family have ever got divorced. And, you know, none of my friends are divorced, and all those sorts of things. And I think that can be really difficult. I’m assuming you, you can help with that area as well
Claire Black 31:36
Yeah, that can be really difficult. And, you know, I often say to people, you know, there’s no such thing as failure, only feedback. So what can you learn from this? What can you learn to meditate forward for next time? If there’s a next time? What can you learn from this in order to model something different, for example, for your children, you need to start to reframe some of that feeling of failure to actually did it, was it failure? Or were you really brave, for example? Or, you know, how can you look at this differently? So that it, it doesn’t hold you back? And you can learn from it and take it forward and grow from it?
Tamsin Caine 32:15
Yeah, I think that’s really important. You were saying before about when you receive your Decree Absolute, that’s the end of the solicitors bit, and I have, have seen it where the solicitors are. And this is by no means a criticism of those lovely lawyers that I work with. But I have seen it where you know, family lawyers have sent me the mail with oh, here’s your decree, absolute great news. It’s here and a lot. A lot of people don’t feel that’s great news. You know, there are those who do and not go out and party at the end of it. But I certainly didn’t feel like it was great news. I I kind of came with a massive bucket of sadness for me that, that it was it was the end of an era. And you know, it wasn’t that I didn’t want it to be concluded because it’s the right thing. But but it wasn’t that wasn’t a moment of, Oh, I’ll go and pop open a bottle of champagne. It was. Yeah. Kind of Yeah, it’s sort of sadness, that chapter to us was finished.
Claire Black 33:23
yeah, I think there’s definitely a grieving process to go through through any separation. And that sadness is part is part of that. And different people will feel it differently. And look at it differently. And, and that’s all okay. Yeah, I know that there is a grieving process to get it. And often for people, it’s, you were saying just now about, you know, it should have been easy, or you know, but oftentimes, I find that what people are grieving is what they thought they were going to get, what they feel they should have had, and the relationship that they believed they were going to have. And that that can be really hard to come to terms with. And it’s all part of the the emotional journey.
Tamsin Caine 34:07
Yeah, I think, I think that’s absolutely spot on. So we’re nearly at the end of our time together, sadly. So, do you have three top tips for people who are facing divorce?
Claire Black 34:24
Do so I would say that. One of the first things is to work out what you can and can’t control and focus on the things that you can control. So for example, you can’t control your ex’s behaviour or actions or words, but you can absolutely control your own. So focus on that and focus on what you can do in those areas. And that can be something simple. You know, something as simple as which which supermarket you’re shopping or how you cut your hair or you know, all sorts of things like that take back control where you can and let go of it when you can’t think secondly, always remember that you have choices. So I will say to people, if you if you think you’ve only got one option, then you’re stuck. If you think you have two options, then you’re kind of in a bit of a rock and a hard place. And that’s not much better. It’s a dilemma. But if you can think of three or more options, then you have real choice. Even if you don’t like one or two of the options, you’re then making a conscious choice to go down a particular path. And that can feel really empowering. And I think the third thing is a little mantra to follow. Whenever you feel the emotions rising, or you feel yourself getting your head out or, or the stress rising, whatever it might be. stop and breathe. And think before you respond, get oxygen back to your brain, get your logical brain back on, on side out of fight flight freeze, by stopping and breathing.
Tamsin Caine 35:55
Yeah, that’s a good advice. I’ve read something the other day about responding, like writing your response, but don’t send it to 24 hours or something. I was like, I put money on post it.
Claire Black 36:08
I talked about the 24 hour rule. So yeah, if something new email comes in that whilst he makes you angry, upset to whatever it is. Maybe read it through once, if you want to slap out a reply there and then do it, but don’t send it, put it in your Dropbox, sleep on it. Come back tomorrow, reread it. And then and then I will say to people on emails, in particular, read through your email and even print it cross out with a big black pen, anything you don’t need to apply to personal tax, that kind of thing. Highlight anything, that is the proper question, you actually need to give them a response to and then just reply to those. But always leave at 24 hours. As you can
Tamsin Caine 36:47
tell him That’s great advice. I think that’s that’s really good advice. Because there is that temptation if something rouse you to go ah that’s never going to end well.
Claire Black 37:00
Get stuck in this cycle of new said I said he said and she says round and round in the conflict rises the emotions rise. Yeah. And it will get very difficult then.
Tamsin Caine 37:13
Yes, absolutely. Thank you so much for joining me. It’s been absolutely brilliant to talk to you. I really, really appreciate it and we’ll catch you soon.
Claire Black 37:24
Thank you very much Tamsin, pleasure!
Tamsin Caine 37:31
i and i hope you enjoy that that episode of the smart boss podcast. If you would like to get in touch please have a look in the show notes for details or go on to the website www dot smart divorce.co.uk. Also, if you are listening on Apple podcasts or on Spotify and you wouldn’t mind leaving us a lovely five star review. That would be fantastic. I know that lots of our listeners are finding this is incredibly helpful in their journey through separation divorce and dissolving a civil partnership. Also, if you would like some work further support we do have Facebook group now. It’s called separation divorce and dissolution UK. Please do go on to Facebook search of the group and we’d be delighted to have you join us. The one thing I would say is do please answer their membership questions. Okay, have a great day and take care