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Samantha Billingham
Samantha Billingham is the founder of Stronger Beginnings and we provide bespoke training for businesses and professionals to enhance their understanding of coercive control, domestic abuse and its impact.
The key focus of Stronger Beginnings is focusing on the empowerment, transformation and growth, between victim survivors and professionals. With Stronger Beginnings, professionals can connect and show positivity through enhancing their knowledge and understanding of coercive control and domestic abuse.
Samantha’s commitment is to create a world where victim survivors are supported, empowered, and given a voice. Stronger Beginnings provide bespoke training; our passion is to share our experience with other organisations to improve advocacy skills around coercive control.
Samantha is an Ambassador for EIDA, employers initiative on domestic abuse, who offer the tools and employer needs to take effective action if an employee makes a domestic abuse disclosure.
She is also the face and founder of SODA, Survivors of Domestic Abuse, an online support group for those who have experienced domestic abuse to come together without judgement.
Samantha is also an Associate for Better Lives Training co-delivering alongside Bridie Anderson, sharing her lived experience to give a clear understanding of coercive control, domestic abuse, and its impact.
Tamsin Caine
Tamsin is a Chartered Financial Planner with over 20 years experience. She works with couples and individuals who are at the end of a relationship and want agree how to divide their assets FAIRLY without a fight.
You can contact Tamsin at tamsin@smartdivorce.co.uk or arrange a free initial meeting using https://bit.ly/SmDiv15min. She is also part of the team running Facebook group Separation, Divorce and Dissolution UK
Tamsin Caine MSc., FPFS
Chartered Financial Planner
Smart Divorce Ltd
P.S. I am the co-author of “My Divorce Handbook – It’s What You Do Next That Counts”, written by divorce specialists and lawyers writing about their area of expertise to help walk you through the divorce process. You can buy it by scanning the QR code…
(The transcript has been created by an AI, apologies for any mistakes)
Tamsin Caine: 0:55
Welcome to series 10 of the Smart Divorce Podcast. During this series, we're going to be speaking about the difficult subject of domestic abuse. Unfortunately, during my work, I come across people who are victim survivors of domestic abuse on a far too regular basis. So we're going to be talking to those who have survived themselves, to professionals working in this area, to solicitors, to hopefully help you to find the right support if you're in that situation. This is an issue that's not going away. So, if you're going through this or you know anybody who is, I really hope this series helped you. Thanks for listening.
Tamsin Caine: 1:44
Hello and welcome to today's episode of the Smart Divorce Podcast. I'm really happy to be joined today by Samantha Billingham, who is a survivor turned advocate. I'm going to get her to introduce herself a little more, because what she's been through and the way that she has now turned her life around and become an advocate for others is basically what we're going to be talking about in today's episode. So welcome, Sam. Thank you so much for joining me.
Samantha Billingham: 2:14
Hi there. Thank you so much for the opportunity. It's great to be here this morning.
Tamsin Caine: 2:19
Excellent. So tell me, I guess let's start from the beginning. I think the hardest part for anybody who's in a relationship where they're experiencing abuse, the hardest part, is getting themselves into a position where they can leave, and that is really not straightforward. Would you be willing to share a little bit about your story?
Samantha Billingham: 2:49
Yeah, absolutely, absolutely. I think I like the way you've kind of gone straight into how it's not that easy to leave a situation like that. So for me, the reason I'm sitting here this morning is because my 10 month old daughter at the time saved my life. If I'd have not had my daughter, I would never, ever, have had a reason to leave that situation that I was in. So in November 2006, the perpetrator I existed with split my lip open whilst I was holding our 10-month-old daughter in my arms, and for me that was the massive wake-up call.
Samantha Billingham: 3:22
So I'd been with him for three years prior to that started off.
Samantha Billingham: 3:27
I met him in a local pub on Friday night and on my part he was love at first sight.
Samantha Billingham: 3:32
I just saw him, was instantly attracted to him, went over and sat with him and his friend at the table and, like we do in everyday conversation, you open up about yourself, ie where you live, where you work, what you do, your social life, and looking back, almost 20 years later, I gave him all the ammunition he needed to control my life once I moved in with him.
Samantha Billingham: 3:56
So we met one Friday night and two weeks later I moved into his flat with him, but at that point there was no indication whatsoever that this person was going to hurt me. He was so charming, he made me laugh, he got a cheeky smile and he was really well known in the pub and everyone kept coming up to me and saying, oh, you've got a good one here. He's a good lad, he'll really look after you and you just don't doubt those things, you don't question those things at all and for quite a few months there was really no indication that he was going to physically hurt me. But obviously now I know what I know in the work that I do the signs, that the red flags and the signs were there from the beginning
Tamsin Caine: 4:38
oh, were they?
Tamsin Caine: 4:40
now, that's really interesting because, from everything you've said so far, I'm in that place where why wouldn't you share everything with him? Why wouldn't you tell him all of all of the things? So, looking back, what were the red flags? If you don't mind me asking that you, that you, knowing what you know, now can see, because I think, when you're in the throes of it, whatever the red flags are, sometimes they're very difficult to pick up on, aren't they
Samantha Billingham: 5:09
very
Samantha Billingham: 5:09
very, very difficult. So for me it was about power and control that he had over me, and that means my thoughts, my movements and everything that I believed in before up until I met him kind of go out the window. So the red, the biggest one, was moving into somebody's flat with them just two weeks after you've met them. You can't possibly know enough information about someone to make that decision. It's a huge decision to make, but again there were no signs whatsoever. I told you where I lived, what I did, so the biggest thing for me was the relationship I had with my mum, very, very close to my mum. So when he said to me one day don't go and see your mom today, let's stay in. If you love me, you won't go. And it's when you're in any new relationship everything's excited and you do want to spend time, you do want to be with that person. So again, there was no indication that there was anything wrong with this. He was just making a suggestion if you like, just don't go. So I didn't go. I thought you know, it's a one-off, what can really happen? But then I saw my mum less and less and then when I did phone her or when I did go and visit her, there was always consequences that I would have to pay. So that was the same for my social life. Because I told him you know, I've got a great group of friends, we go out every weekend, we have a really good time, and also my job. So when I met him, I was a legal secretary, absolutely loved my job, lived for it, you know, got suited and booted. The money was brilliant. And he just used to say the most oddest thing that again I didn't, I didn't take any notice of because it's just words, it's just a conversation. He's not hurting me. And he would often say the only way you got your job was by sleeping with your boss. You must have slept with your boss because there's no way someone your age could could get a job like that.
Samantha Billingham: 7:06
I was a secretary and I was in my early 20s and again, I never thought anything of it until one morning I suited and booted, ready to go to work, and he locked me in the flat. H id the key. I couldn't get the key, got my mobile phone and threw it out of the seventh floor window. So we lived on the seventh floor in a block of flats so I can't even phone in, can't even pull a sickie, nothing. I've never had a day off work before. Pull a sickie nothing. I'd never had a day off work before. I'd never not phoned him before. I was really, really worried. Two days later, when I managed to escape the flat, the first place I went was my workplace and that was because if somebody really knew me would be my boss. I was always early, I did my work to the best of my ability. I was was really good at my job. He knew me.
Samantha Billingham: 7:58
So at this point it's still really difficult for me to understand what's happening behind closed doors because at this point no physical violence has taken place. It's just words at the moment. So it's really hard for me to work out what I'm going to say to my boss, because I don't really understand it myself. So to explain to someone else with no visible injuries, I know it's going to be difficult. So I get to work. I try so hard to explain my boss. He just stands in front of me, blows his arms up in the air and says I'm not interested, you're sacked.
Samantha Billingham: 8:26
So I was sacked, instantly dismissed, for making domestic abuse disclosure. It was almost 20 years ago and I like to think things have changed. But yeah, that was the first and last disclosure I ever made to anybody, because I felt that if someone really knew me it would be my boss and all I ever wanted was for him to listen to me. I didn't want him to have a magic wand, I didn't want him to kind of get involved, I didn't want him to counsel me, I just wanted him to take five minutes to listen and say okay, crack on, get on with your work, whatever, just listen. And there was no conversation, no, nothing. So for me, at that point, that's when everything changed. For me personally, that's when I lost Sam. That's when I lost who I was. But also that is when the coercive control and controlling behavior in that situation increased dramatically. So every single aspect of my life was controlled.
Samantha Billingham: 9:27
He would time me when I went to the toilet, so he would stand outside the toilet door looking at his watch going have you been? You've been texting your mom, haven't? Of course I've been texting my mommy. Yes, I had. And again, there's always consequences for that. I couldn't even have a bath on my own. He would physically get inside the bath with me and the only place I was allowed to go was shopping and I would be bombarded with phone calls and text messages wanting to know where I was, who I was talking with. When I was coming home, um, sleep, I had to sleep when he wanted me to sleep.
Samantha Billingham: 10:03
He was an alcoholic and he would often drink, and drink the clock round. And I remember one time I was heavily pregnant and you know, being pregnant is so tiring and I remember being really, really tired and I thought you know what? I'm just going to bed. And, as I said earlier, there was always a consequence for everything I did. So what normal people do when you're tired, you just say right, I'm going to bed. Now, love, I went to bed. Uh, this part does come with a trigger warning. So for anyone who's listening, please just be mindful of your own, of your own triggers and traumas.
Samantha Billingham: 10:39
I'd previously brought him a pet bird for his birthday. He'd always wanted a bird for his birthday. I went to bed, got in bed, just lay down, and he opened the bedroom door and I heard him say this is your fault and he came in the bedroom with a dead bird on the knife. So he'd actually killed the pet bird because I'd gone to bed without him. So when I said there was a consequence for every action. That is exactly what I mean.
Samantha Billingham: 11:07
I've had people say to me well, why did you buy my birds in the first place? I never, ever had any idea that he would do anything like that at all, because if I did, obviously I would not have had brought a pet into the home at all. But the one thing is they're very clever and they're very manipulative. So when I met him on that Friday night and he was very charming, that's how everybody else saw him. So when I wanted to make a disclosure there was really no point because no one would believe me, because you know, he used to up the little old lady over the road and he was a good lad who'd help his mom and it was really difficult to make that disclosure. And also, with coercive control, there's no visible injuries or anything for me to say oh look, and I didn't really know what coercive control was then. So it was in the early 2000s and it wasn't actually a crime then. So it was really really difficult to speak out and it was really difficult to get people to try and see it from my viewpoint. There was a lot of victim blaming where you really do doubt yourself.
Samantha Billingham: 12:14
So when I did manage to get free, it was back in the November 2006, he split my lip open. It was a Friday night, we'd both been out, we'd both been drinking and in his words I'd said the wrong thing and obviously deserved that slap. I remember phoning the police West Midlands Police and they were absolutely amazing. They'd been amazing throughout my whole situation. He was known to them. They didn't let me know that, but he was known to them. They did try and encourage me to make a statement and not withdraw it, but they seemed to understand why I didn't. But this time I knew I got to do it. I knew I had to leave. They couldn't take my statement at the time because I was intoxicated, but they listened to me and they asked me questions and they sat with me and at that time that was kind of enough for me.
Samantha Billingham: 13:07
On the Monday he came back to the home. On the Monday morning I got my daughter up, put her in a pram, told him I was going shopping and I went to my local police station. I made that very, very last statement and I can even remember the police officer who greeted me in reception. He was a young officer, he knew me, he knew my situation and he looked at me and went you look like crap. But I knew where he was coming from. He knew me from when I was in a good place. He'd kind of seen my journey. So when he said that, I kind of obviously knew where he was coming from and all he said was are you ready to do it now? And I went, yeah, and he just said, are you sure? And that was it. I made that final statement.
Samantha Billingham: 13:55
On the same afternoon I had to go to a local solicitor. So I got a non-molestation order but unfortunately, because there was no, not enough communication, I didn't know how we did a non-molestation order. I didn't even know, you know there was no conversation about what would happen. And what happens is the papers have to be physically served on that person. So nobody told me this, nobody told me that there was going to be somebody attending the home, that somebody was going to be knocking on the front door. I wasn't allowed to answer the front door and it was a man who came to the house who was knocking on the front door. So the perpetrator is obviously very angry. He now thinks I'm having an affair. He now thinks this person is somebody I'm cheating with. So it took around about four or five days for the papers to be served on the perpetrator before the non-molestation was put in order.
Tamsin Caine: 14:49
Could you just explain what a non-molestation order is for anybody listening who doesn't know what it is?
Samantha Billingham: 14:55
So because I've got a daughter who's 10 months old, I was absolutely petrified for her safety as well as my own. So a non-molestation order is put in place to keep the perpetrator away from your property. So in there it is said you know, he can't come within five meters of the, not even in the street. Um, he broke it, he breached that order. Unfortunately, there's not a significant punishment for when perpetrators do this. Um. So when I reported it again, they were focusing more on but he hasn't hit you. They were focusing more on the physical violence side of things, whereas they didn't understand the coercive control. They didn't understand that I was absolutely petrified of this person who was literally outside my front door. They didn't understand that at all. And then you've also got the concept of I've had a baby with this perpetrator, because I was very naive in believing that having a baby, having a family together, is going to change his behavior. It never did.
Samantha Billingham: 15:56
And the one thing I always say for anyone who follows my work is, if you listen very carefully to a perpetrator, they actually tell you what they're going to do. They don't tell you when they're going to do it, but they do actually tell you. So for me. He told me I was a rubbish mum. He told me he told me he was going to get social services involved and he told me he will get her taken off me. So when social services did turn up to my door because that last incident obviously the police were involved I was absolutely petrified and I thought she's just going to be taken off me. Thankfully she wasn't.
Samantha Billingham: 16:31
So my support was actually an eight-week awareness course of everything I'd been through. I had to go to my family local family support centre and basically do an eight-week awareness course, which was, in the politest way, the biggest waste of my time ever. It didn't help at all. The very first thing we was asked was what do you love about your perpetrator? So I'm now doubting myself. I'm supposed to still love him. Well, it was so confusing. Um, there was lots of different people there at different stages of their journey. You got some who really shared everything and I was just very, very quiet, very reserved, just there, because I had to be.
Samantha Billingham: 17:18
And then after that he took me through the family court for contact parental responsibility. That was the most horrific part of the cycle for me and for a lot of people who've experienced these things, it's just so petrifying because you really do think your child's going to be taken off. You. People are judging you, people are blaming you and again it's all about that power and control on behalf of the perpetrator. Thankfully, after an 18 month period, the courts actually saw through the perpetrator who I existed with, because he didn't turn up. He made excuses not to come to court. They could see that he was still trying to control me and then after that, that was it. I had no support whatsoever. I was never given a helpline number, I was never given anything at all. It's kind of like, right, you've got through that, you're on your own now and I literally was on my own.
Samantha Billingham: 18:08
We don't often talk about the actual impact of coercive control in domestic abuse. It took me years and years to even have a conversation with someone, because every time I made eye contact with someone in that situation, whether it was male or female, whether I was related to them, I was accused of having an affair. So it was just easier not to look at people. I lost the ability to have a conversation because every time I spoke to somebody I was accused of having an affair. So I just wouldn't look at anyone, wouldn't talk to anyone and my answers would be yeah, okay, it would be that kind of thing, because I was just absolutely petrified of speaking to people and looking at people because there was always a consequence that I would have to pay. So it's only just within the last 18 months or so I've actually started looking in a mirror, I've started going out, started socializing. So, even though it's almost 20 years since I came out of that situation and I get asked this question a lot and I get asked how long will it be before I get over what I've been through?
Samantha Billingham: 19:11
And the honesty is we don't. We learn how to adapt and how to live with what's happened to us, but unfortunately those things they never, ever fully disappear. So sometimes there's a trigger, there's a birthday, a date or something that will remind you of that time and when you have children, it really never goes away. So for me, I didn't want him to have contact with my daughter because she was 10 months old and I felt at that time it wasn't in her best interest. But I also knew that she was obviously going to grow up. She was obviously going to ask normal, natural questions about her dad. So you've kind of got one part of your brain is Sam and then the other part of your brain is mum, and I had to see it from her viewpoint because at the end of the day, it was still her father. She is the most incredible young woman. She's taken everything in her stride.
Samantha Billingham: 20:08
I explained, as appropriate, the situation and why I did the things that I did, and she understands that, um, but that guilt and that what if? What if I'd have done this? But I do believe I did what was right for my daughter at that time in that situation, and I decided to set up an online support group called Soda, which stands for Survivors Of Domestic Abuse. I set that up in, so I left in November 2006, sorry, and I set SODA up in May 2009. And it's an online safe haven for men and women across the country to come together without judgment.
Samantha Billingham: 20:48
I felt it was really hard to speak to family and friends about your experience. It is really difficult because, with all the love in the world, if you've not been there, you you cannot understand the cycle of coercive control and domestic abuse, so surgeries for men and women to come together to, to hear other stories from other survivors. And then more recently, um, about 12 months ago, I decided to set up my own business called Stronger Beginnings I. I started my career in a firm of solicitors and the last job I had was also in a firm of solicitors. So I've kind of gone full circle. But my heart was no longer in it because obviously I've changed completely as a person and it was a part-time job and there was no room for growth or anything like that, and I just thought I want to do something different. I want to do something where my passion lies. So I set up Stronger Beginnings and I share my lived experience all across the country with all different businesses and organizations, because even though we're in 2024, I strongly believe commercial control is still not understood at all.
Samantha Billingham: 21:55
I've many, many women contact me on a daily basis who are in the midst of it and they still don't understand that they're experiencing it. So my biggest passion is talking about coercive control and also the impact. I think it's really important that we talk about the impact, because it has a massive, massive impact, whether that's our mental health, anxiety, depression. I've left two or three jobs because there are massive, massive triggers for me and sometimes we can look. We can look as though we're not engaged. I'm on benefits as well, so sometimes it can look like we're not engaging. You know why have you left this job? Why you know. That's why we have to have an understanding of the impact of coercive control, to understand why we do the things that we do.
Tamsin Caine: 22:41
Yeah, no, you're so right. You're so right, I think. Firstly, I feel that you're incredibly brave telling your story, so I just want to thank you for that. I've got tears in my eyes listening to you and it's so incredibly brave to tell people so much detail around what was happening.
Tamsin Caine: 23:00
Um, just something that that you, when you were talking about the, the beginning part of it, it was well, it's just words. He's not hurt me and it's. It's still abuse, isn't it? You know you're still in an abusive relationship. It is still coercive. Control is obviously he was trying to isolate you from friends and family, and that's textbook behavior from controlling perpetrator, and I think that it's all right us sitting here and looking back and going we know now that that's textbooks. That's what would have been happening, but there'll be lots of people out there that that's happening too and they're going. Well, it's just words. They've not actually hurt me, but they are on a path and I think your experience has shown that that path it doesn't stop there. You know, these are the starting points and it can get worse, and I think I just wanted to make that point just for anyone listening so that they don't think it doesn't. There doesn't have to be a fist or a hand or a foot or anything physical yeah, absolutely.
Samantha Billingham: 24:21
I've only just started saying that about. But it's just words and the reason I do that is because a lot of professionals across the country that is their attitude. That is what they actually say to survivors who report that abuse today, in 2024, and it's to show that at the beginning. Yeah, I guess it is just words, but you know, as you listen to the story and you hear, and I'll repeatedly say, for every action there was a consequence, and that it's not just me. There's men and women listening to your podcast now and they can relate to what I've just said.
Samantha Billingham: 24:56
But something else as well I ran a campaign during lockdown called MTAB, which stands for more than a bruise, and it was highlighting what coercive control could look like. Because I remember when the country went into lockdown and for me personally, that was a massive trigger. It took me right back and then I was thinking, oh no, all these men and women are now in this situation. They're actually with a perpetrator and, as we've just said, domestic abuse is about power and control and if we're not talking about coercive control, then we're not talking about domestic abuse, because it's there at the beginning and it's there at the end. So the MTAB campaign. I had Lady Karen Brady, Matthew Wright, Amanda Redmond supporting the campaign and it was an image so say an image of Amanda Redmond, and then there'd be a quote. So it would be about isolation. It would be about someone reading your emails. It will be about someone controlling your phone. It will be about someone telling you what you can and can't wear, who you can and can't speak to, monitoring your movements. So there'd always be what coercive control could look like and the amount of people who contacted me and said I didn't realise I was in an abusive situation, because people are waiting for that physical violence.
Samantha Billingham: 26:13
So when we talk about domestic abuse, the first thing we all think of is the violence, the physical physical. We don't always see the control. So it's really important that we do talk about that, because that's exactly how it started and I think that any professionals or anyone who's worried about someone in that situation, the things we could look out for with coercive control is something called the ABC of control appearance, body language, conversation. So for me, my appearance changed dramatically from someone who was really smart and clean to someone who, you know, didn't have a wash, didn't brush my hair, didn't brush my teeth, wouldn't put clean clothes on my body language it was always negative no eye contact, no engagement, no conversation and and the conversation I lost the ability to have a conversation.
Samantha Billingham: 27:06
So I think those are three things we can, every single day, we can look out for, and and another thing is about how do we start that conversation, and it's something as simple as are you okay? No one in the three years I was in that situation ever asked me that question, and I might not have answered straight away, but it would have planted a seed that someone is asking about me, not is everything okay at home? How's things? They're kind of putting that focus on me and in that situation, as we know, the focus is is never on the survivor yeah, absolutely.
Tamsin Caine: 27:41
There's something that I've seen a few times recently about asking are you okay twice, because the first time can sound a bit like hello. Yes, yeah, ask it again. You're actually checking in. Yeah, definitely, you know it's a it's.
Tamsin Caine: 27:59
I'm not just saying it instead of hello, I'm saying it because I'm actually asking about you
Samantha Billingham: 28:06
And also I often say this when I do my talks is the person who's asking that question. You've got a really hard job because we've been programmed. We've been programmed and manipulated that everyone hates us, no one's going to believe us, no one likes us. So when this person does ask, are you okay, be like, why do you, why, what, why would you want to know that? Why are you asking me, what do you want to? Why is this person doing this? So you've got to kind of unprogram how we've been programmed and that is really really difficult. So you will have to ask that question more than once and probably more than twice. You know, you probably have to put it in another conversation as well to get us to open up.
Tamsin Caine: 28:45
I guess if you get that response, if you, if you're kind of having listened to this now you're expecting a response, that's not the response you would normally get from a healthy and fine person, you then know that you need to keep asking and and in different situations and and so on, when you were talking about, about the actual process of leaving, so he'd obviously been violent towards you while you had your daughter, which you know. Everybody has a has a final straw and it's not always physical, but everybody does always does get to. You know, have a final straw, but but it's still even once you decided to leave it. It's not necessarily you might leave and then still come back and I I kind of want, didn't want anyone listening to think if you, if you leave and come back, that's, that's normal absolutely, it's part of the cycle.
Samantha Billingham: 29:51
Yeah, I left several times before I actually left. So, um, the one thing we have to remember is that we fall in love with a caring person, of course, and then when we find out that they're controlling perpetrator, we're in so deep because we're in love with them. We can't just turn that emotion off. We can't just turn that emotion off because we actually love them and they play on that and they know that for me and many other people, we want to be that person, to change them and be the reason that they change. So when we do leave for the first time and they text us buy us flowers, leave us flowers outside the door, leave us chocolates and say I really love you, I'm so sorry, it'll never happen again, of course we go back. That is normal. That is part of the cycle. I went to a safe house and he found me in a safe house. I'm really sorry, I love you, it'll never happen again. You know I love you and you really, you want that more than anything in the world and, as I say, I left several times. That is normal. Something else that's normal is people who have children, who don't leave, who choose to stay. That's normal as well, because we are absolutely petrified of this person, because we know more than anyone what they're capable of. We know that what they verbally threaten us with can one day become reality.
Samantha Billingham: 31:17
So it is a really, really complex cycle that is really difficult to understand if you're lucky enough not to have been in that situation. But what we do in that situation, we safeguard ourselves every single day. We have to do what we have to do to stay alive. So, for me, he was an alcoholic and sometimes I'd have to buy him a drink, just so I wouldn't have a beating, or just so something wouldn't happen to me. So you get, you know some people. Well, why would you, why on earth would you do that? I've got to do something to stay alive. He could really lash out. He could, you know, get really angry with me, and then you have to think of all these things constantly. So you're existing, you're walking on eggshells and we're safeguarding ourselves every single day, not like once a month or once a fortnight, or we have to do that every day and it's exhausting, it's physically and mentally draining, and the other thing is we're isolated from everyone. Even though this is the perpetrator, they're still the only stable person in our life. So when we're having a bad day or when we're isolated from everyone, even though this is the perpetrator, they're still the only stable person in our life. So when we're having a bad day or when we're crying and they love oh come on, you know, I'm always it's really really difficult and if you're literally on your own and you've only got your own thoughts and a perpetrator's thoughts, it's really really hard and difficult to even think about breaking that cycle because you've got no money, you've got nowhere to go.
Samantha Billingham: 32:41
He knows or she knows, obviously we know what happens to men and women. They know every single movement. He came to my brothers. He knew where my mum and dad lived. He knew where my friends lived. He knew everything because I told him all of that right at the beginning, three years ago.
Samantha Billingham: 32:57
When we talk about ourselves, you know that's what we do in life. I've never once sat there and thought, oh, I can't say that's that person because he'll use it against me. Now I do, because that impact is my barrier's down. I'm very wary. What I share with people, what I say to people, I do the safeguarding risk assessment, if you like, on people I meet now and it's awful, it's horrible to be in that situation, but because of my lived experience, I have to, because I have one person, one person who I thought loved me and it's, it's just the most complex cycle and as I share my experience, which I do a lot of now, if I hadn't experienced it myself, I would be like all those other people, because what's logical to us is not logical to a perpetrator. So who gets inside a bath with somebody thinking that person can be up to something in the bath? Nobody. It's not logical, but in a perpetrator's mind it is and it's really, really complex
Tamsin Caine: 34:04
it's just it's
Tamsin Caine: 34:08
It's just hard to listen to what you've been through. You know it. You kind of you want to go in and rescue and that that's that's not that helpful either. I know you said you left a few times, either either when you were leaving but went back, or when you finally left for the final time. Did you put things in place? Had you contacted domestic abuse services? Were there? Were the things that you did to prepare for leaving, because it's not as easy as just walking out the door and closing, closing it behind you. Is it there? Are you know? You had a 10 month old daughter. There were all of her things and you're being watched all the time by the perpetrator. Presumably he's, and he's kind of controlling your every move, every conversation, every action that you take. He's probably watching your phone, watching your emails, etc. Etc. What, if anything, did you do? What things did you put in place before you left?
Samantha Billingham: 35:13
so, when we find the strength and courage to escape a situation like that, become more vulnerable because the perpetrator is losing the power and control over us. I had no support. I had nothing in place whatsoever because I didn't know what domestic abuse was and I certainly didn't know what coercive control was until I'd left. However, there are people and support out there who can help with safety plans. So you've got Mankind, Women's Aid, obviously, who can help you do those things. As you say. It's not. You can't just wake up one day and think, boy, I'm going. It's a process that you have to do because, as you say, they know absolutely everything about you. They know where you work, they know everything and they will be charming to your colleagues and they will be charming. You know, you know and you've got all that to comprehend. For me, I knew I had to and I've got the strength. I describe it like a lioness. I've got the lioness strength in me. Now I've got my daughter. So nothing really mattered. I generally didn't think of anything other than my daughter. Nothing really mattered. I generally didn't think of anything other than my daughter. So I just kind of went through it all blind.
Samantha Billingham: 36:23
Really, the one thing I did do so. I was living with him in a privately rented property. Thankfully I put the rent in my name, and in my name only, because if I'd have put it in joint names it would have been harder for me to get him out the house. So that one thing I did do is I literally moved over the road. So I'm in one house here and I literally moved into another house over the road and I remember I'd gone to victim support, my local victim support, because I was, you know, petrified and her words were you're stupid. So I've got a professional who is supposed to know about coercive control and domestic abuse. I've explained my situation and the words out of her mouth it was stupid. He will find you and he never found me, because who moves over the road? We might move street or we might move area, but I literally moved over the road and he never found me. He walked past the new house but he never, ever found me.
Samantha Billingham: 37:27
So that's probably the only thing I did do that kept me safe, because he was going to all the places that he knew and he would never put two and two together and he would never have found me. But for anyone who's listening and thinking about leaving, I would research, if you can, your local specialty services because I can help you put a plan together, or if you've got a friend or a colleague who can have an emergency bag left at their home for you where you can start putting you know, passport, money, all that kind of thing into. It should be a gradual process really, because if they get wind that you're you're gonna leave, they're gonna do all they can to try and stop you. That is what domestic abuse is about. It's about that power and control and stopping you from from living your life. So they will do everything they can to stop you from leaving them.
Tamsin Caine: 38:28
Yeah, absolutely. And you know there are some amazing people at the local domestic abuse services or on Women's Aid. You know all these different charities and services that I think we know a little bit more about now. But you know, 20 years ago, as you say, it wasn't as well known. But even still, you know this is still happening. You know all over the place.
Tamsin Caine: 38:48
And I'm just going to pick up because you said if it's safe to do so, because if you're sat researching domestic abuse services on your phone and the perpetrator is monitoring your phone or emails or texts or anything that could be a red rag to a bull, you can tell it's Monday. So maybe using try and use somebody else's phone, use somebody else's computer, try and even go to a library you know we don't often go to libraries these days but all of these places who that have safe ways of you contacting um the services that will help to keep you safe. And the difficult thing is, you know we say, oh, we, you know, use a friend's phone. Well, we've already talked about the fact that you're probably massively isolated. If you're still in a job, maybe you can borrow a colleague's phone. But again, you know financial economic abuse. You might not be working, but there are places you can go to find safe access.
Samantha Billingham: 40:06
Yeah, and just following on from that, so I'm now an ambassador for EIDA, which is Employers Initiative on Domestic Abuse, because, as I said, when I made my disclosure I was instantly sacked. So they actually provide free resources for businesses and organisations. So if anybody does make a disclosure, you know you've got the resources and tools to support them safely. And also, I am a trustee for an organisation called the Buddy Bag Foundation. So this is something close to my heart, because I went, went to a safe house. I didn't have my daughter at the time, but I remember meeting two. They were. They were such young girls I could have only just been 18 and I got babes in arms. I got very, very young children.
Samantha Billingham: 40:49
So what Buddy Bag foundation is? They provide, um, a buddy bag like a rucksack, and it's filled with 12 essential items for children that they're taking to refuge with them. So it's toothbrush, comb, pajamas, underwear, and it's purely what I like about like's not the right word because it's for children, but it is purely for the child. So, um, it's from naught to 16, boys and girls. Everything is, you know, gender specific, and we often forget about the children and, as we know, um, children are now victims of domestic abuse within their own right, and the buddy bag foundation obviously complement that, and it's an amazing charity to be part of, and I've heard firsthand from from some of the staff who get these buddy bags and what these bags actually mean to these children. Sometimes it's the only thing that I've got that is their own. So my lived experience is now giving me the opportunity to give something back to you know, to the community and to others, and doing the work that I do is just such a privilege oh, that's incredible.
Tamsin Caine: 42:00
we'll put the um details of the buddy bag foundation in the show notes so if anybody wants to look them up, either to be able to help or contribute in any way, or or, you know, if it's something you need, we actually had Susan from EIDA on one of our episodes. I'm very pleased to say so. Anybody does want to go back and listen to Susan's episode. She talks all about the work that Ida are doing, which sounds absolutely incredible. Getting there, being able to help and support somebody who is in this situation, who is under the perpetrator's control then all the better, because there is likely to be people in your work. This is not a rare thing that's happening to people. It will be happening in your workplace, unfortunately, to somebody there and it's something that we can't leave at home.
Samantha Billingham: 43:05
We can't leave it at the door because that coercive control and control and behavior follows us into the workplace. Um, so yeah, it's an amazing organization. It really is, and for some people, the workplace is the only safe haven that I've got. So it really is a lifeline to to employees and employers yeah, absolutely, I know.
Tamsin Caine: 43:25
Um. When we started, just before we started recording, I said how was your weekend, um? And we're 20 years on now and you're? You still said to me I've become an expert in self-care and um, so I wondered if you could just briefly talk about about afterwards, about you're safe, your daughter's safe, you've got somewhere to live. You've now set up your own business. What's the ongoing impact to you? And not necessarily in a negative way, but but both negative and positive, where what's what's happened to you since?
Samantha Billingham: 44:10
it's not an easy journey from from escaping to to now. It's not easy at all, and the one thing I want to say is it is as unique an individual as we are, so everyone's healing journey is very different. Um, what works for one doesn't necessarily work for someone else, so it's not a competition about you know how long it takes or what you do, but it's important that we learn from the bad days as well. So, for me, I get to do amazing things like this. I've met amazing people, I get to go on podcasts, I've been on TV, but for me, it's all about raising awareness. For other people, it's not necessarily about me anymore. It's about that one person over there or that one man over there. It's about people emailing me saying've seen you on the tv. You get it. You shared my story in a way that I never could. So it's about me giving something back. It's about me being the support that I never had. So I guess that's my my professional side. For me personally, I'm only just learning and noticing what I've actually achieved what I've actually achieved as Sam, so I've set up my own business. I've set up my own support group, I'm an ambassador, I'm a trustee, but again, it's all for the cause, if you like.
Samantha Billingham: 45:29
Even though it's 20 years on, some things have changed, but we've still got a long way to go, and I also want to show that the men, women and children out there that there is life after domestic abuse, um, and you can get control of your own life again when the time is right and safe for you to do so. And I think for me, being a part of that and being a part of somebody else's journey is absolutely massive. And I think the biggest achievement for me is when I actually had someone come up to me face to face and tell me that I'd actually saved their life. It was just so overwhelming because a lot of the work that I did do in the beginning was online and obviously you can't really see anything because obviously I don't need to know your full name, I don't need to see a picture of you, you don't need to tell me those details and you don't always know who you're talking to and you don't always know if they're gonna, what they're gonna do. After you know, we can give them the information and the rest is up to them.
Samantha Billingham: 46:26
And I was at an event and this lady came over to me and she went. She told me her name and I've met lots and lots of people over the years so it's really hard to kind of you know, remember, remember who some people are. And she said to me that I was one of the very first people that she'd actually spoke to and she did everything that I suggested and she and her child had got away and she was living a fantastic life. So for me, job done, I've helped one person. That's massive.
Samantha Billingham: 46:55
But to actually hear somebody say it and the emotion, and it was so so she was really emotional, both crying, both really you know, and so so powerful. And I get that now I'll get you know, I do tv work, radio work and I'll get people message me with things like that. And I think when you've been in that situation and you've been told you're worthless, you're useless, no one likes you, and then you get strangers who know nothing about you really saying all these kind things, it's just, it's just amazing. So there is definitely life after domestic abuse and and you can go on to achieve all the things the perpetrator said that you couldn't.
Tamsin Caine: 47:36
I think you're incredible and it and the work that you're doing is is is vital. You know I'm not gonna underplay this, you know. You just we need, we need people like you advocating for, for um, survivors of domestic abuse and and those who are still is still in that situation and and need to escape. We just the more people who are doing that work, the more chance we have of making this a different situation to the one you went through 20 years ago. We're coming to the end of our time together. I just wondered if there was anything that you wanted to add or anything that I've not asked you about that you feel that you're itching to tell yeah
Samantha Billingham: 48:21
, It went really well, it was great, thank you
Tamsin Caine: 48:23
wonderful.
Tamsin Caine: 48:24
Thank you so much for joining me and thank you so much for being so open and honest. I know this episode will definitely have helped our listeners. Thank you for joining me as well, and if you have found today's episode useful, please do give us a five-star review, because it does help us to get this information out to more people. Many thanks, hi, and I hope you enjoyed that episode of the smart divorce podcast. If you would like to get in touch, please have a look in the show notes for our details or go onto the website www. smartdivorce. co. uk. Also, if you are listening on Apple Podcasts or on Spotify and you wouldn't mind leaving us a lovely five-star review, that would be fantastic.
Tamsin Caine: 49:15
I know that lots of our listeners are finding this is incredibly helpful in their journey through separation, divorce and dissolving a civil partnership. Also, if you would like some further support, we do have a Facebook group now. It's called Separation, divorce and Dissolution UK. Please do go on to Facebook, search up the group and we'd be delighted to have you join us. The one thing I would say is do please answer their membership questions. Okay, have a great day and take care.