Anyone who regards themselves as a reasonable person is likely to agree to give someone a second chance. Especially if they hear valid reasons, like the person’s inadvertently slipped up, has unthinkingly said or done something in the heat of the moment that’s later regretted, has behaved in a way that’s completely unexpected and out of character or is going through a difficult time personally. In those circumstances, it may be fair to give someone the benefit of the doubt, offer a second chance and agree to move on.
When there’s evidence that a person’s taking responsibility and is genuinely contrite and keen to change, is prepared to try harder and make amends a second chance can be a positive step to offer. However, being too ready to pardon and move on can sometimes be negatively misconstrued as being a soft touch, so sending an unfortunate message. It may demonstrate a readiness to accept the original behaviour, it being deemed as not too ‘bad’.
A lack of consequences can make it easier to reoffend by showing that those affected are willing to be tolerant and let it go.Think of a child who takes a single sweet from the local shop. If there are no consequences, it can make it easier to repeat offend, perhaps taking even bigger, more frequent risks. It may quickly be considered a trivial prank, something to be shrugged off as unnoteworthy.
Many factors can influence how a person responds to stress, with potential triggers being work and business life, finances, relationships, family and the pressure of how they’re perceived by others.
If we feel that the perpetrators are oblivious or indifferent to the impact of their words or actions, appear unaware of the upset they’ve caused, or have developed an unfortunate pattern of repeat behaviour it could well be time to reevaluate the place that relationship has in our life.
An important question to ask ourselves prior to giving someone a second chance is ‘how much are we able to forgive and forget?’ A significant factor can be how grevious the original crime was. Are we able to accept that the ‘offence’ occurred due to exceptional circumstances, like an unusually stressful time. When genuine remorse is demonstrated as well as a desire to make amends, it can make it easier to let it go.
But equally, we need to be clear that we’re able to move on without feeling tempted to replay and rehash their transgression any time there’s disagreement or we feel triggered and hurt. Whilst we may be able to understand why the initial event happened, it may prove harder to forget, and so we become defensive and keen to protect ourselves from future hurt. We may keep at the back of our minds a vague memory of what’s happened so that we remain familiar with our boundaries of acceptable behaviour. Then we’re able to recognise and remain alert to unfortunate or unwelcome patterns of treatment arising whenever circumstances are repeated.
Sometimes it’s important to walk away for a while, reflect on what’s happened and reinstate calm, so allowing tensions to subside. Time can be a great healer as we discover what we want to keep, what we need to let go and what we aspire to as an outcome.
If we feel that the relationship is usually good, a second chance may be worthwhile. Everyone involved has an opportunity to learn from what’s happened, thus leading to improved communication and better self-knowledge.
However, warning signs can occur if we start to notice ongoing patterns of toxic activity being repeated. If this includes abuse, manipulation, or deceitful behaviour it can be important to identify the triggers, prompts and sensitive times.
If we’re typically blamed, bullied and found to be at fault whenever situations escalate, it may be that the other person is a narcissist, is unable to empathise and simply discounts any hurt that they’ve caused. They’re unable to appreciate the other person’s perception of their treatment. Could it be time to question if a second chance will cause anything to change or improve?
Some situations may be difficult to leave. There’s little choice but to accept what’s familiar, even if it’s unpleasant and comes with an unhappy sigh of resignation. There may be serious concerns about finances, quality of life, status, the impact on children or even the reputational damage. In those circumstances, it may feel prudent to negotiate a short-term compromise, offer another chance, tolerate what’s happening, and give tacit permission for the situation to continue until the time is right.
Ultimately, is a second chance being used to "reset" and grow, or simply to give silent permission for the same mistakes to continue repeating? A healthy relationship requires a commitment to mutual respect as well as a positive environment if it’s to thrive.
Susan Leigh, Counsellor and Hypnotherapist www.lifestyletherapy.net